Strength

So, the weightloss is kind of slow.  It gets me down, honestly, but I'm trying to change my thinking around this.  The weightloss is happening, and is happening at a healthy pace.

In the meantime, I've gained a lot more strength than I can ever remember having.  My quads and hamstrings as well as my chest, shoulders, back, and arms are all strengthening as a result of the kneeling push-ups and the squats.  I walk with more purpose and feel more capable now.  The walking and running provide me with good bloodflow and more strength in the legs, cardiovascular, and core.

The scale doesn't tell the whole story.  How I feel says more than the numbers I see.

... now if I could just believe this when I step on the scale and it refuses to move anywhere quickly.

Banishing the Yo-Yo

Yo-yo dieting.  It happens to the best of us.  I don't know what the answer is to banishing this (and, as always, I am not interested in the millions of little "helpful" pieces of advice that ya'll might have on the tips of your fingers).  I'm guessing that I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Here's some of what didn't work last time: Overeaters Anonymous.  They got weird on me after a couple of meetings, calling me up to stress that I shouldn't be offering my services as a therapist when all I was doing was reaching out to offer help, like all 12-steppers are supposed to do.  I was kind of hurt and disillusioned by that experience, so I never went back.  Trust me, guys, I am absolutely, 100% not interested in flexing my therapist mucles outside of work.  I get enough hours of that throughout the week.  Promise.

Also, I think that I need to track down my actual thoughts and journal more.  The "fuck-its" seem to be what leads me toward the downward spiral of the yo-yo.  With my new job in addictions, I hear this come up a lot.  You're working so hard, you're energized and like the change and then... stuff.  And then... slow progress.  And then... frustration.  And then... FUCK IT!

And then there's my health.  I don't know what started it, though it was probably the birth control I was on (me + hormones = mortal enemies).  I've been breaking out in itchy hives seemingly without provocation since the summer.  Eliminating the birth control has not helped.  Creams don't really help.  Benadryl makes me more sleepy than anything.  My doctor thinks it's an autoimmune disease at this point, and though I'm no doctor, I'm sure my weight doesn't help matters.

So, here I go, trying again.  As cliché as this is going to sound, I started on January 1st.  I weighed myself and I started trying again.  It's been hit-and-miss with the weigh-ins because I didn't want to get discouraged, but here's the numbers, starting with the effort and ending with the month's weightloss.

24/31 days working out
242,025 steps (approximately, as measured by my Fitbit One)
105.35 miles (approximately, as measured by my Fitbit One)
11 days meeting 10,000 daily steps goal
6 days meeting 5.0 daily miles goal
1586 squats (following program at twohundredsquats.com)
1105 kneeling push-ups (following program at hundredpushups.com)

And... drum roll please!

Starting weight: 236 lbs.
Ending weight: 231.3 lbs.

So, not fabulous loss there, but the goal next month is simply DO BETTER.  NO YO-YO.  Let's see what happens.

Back in the Saddle

So, I was really slacking for a couple of months.  My boyfriend noticed that I was really unhappy at my previous job, but I was in deep, deep denial about it.  The truth of the matter is that I was coming home with less and less motivation, feeling less and less happy, wanting to do less and less.

Then I lost my job.

God, that was awful.  I was sure it was a dream for a few minutes.  A nightmare, really.  I cried.  A lot.  Everyone involved was kind of robotic about the whole situation.  It's the first time I had "failed" in a clear and distinct way in adulthood, and I didn't take it well.

Then I got another job.

Well, that didn't last nearly as long as I thought it would.  I'm very happy to say that I got a much better job with a better salary.  So, the excuses are off of the table.  It's time to get back in the saddle.  In the last week alone I've dropped a good chunk of weight (after pigging out the previous week).

Proof of progress!

So here I go, trying to get out of the 200s.  9 pounds to go!

Don't Wanna

God, therapy was hard today.  The last couple of weeks have been hard.  I can't pinpoint one particular thing that is getting in my way or making it hard, but my therapist pointed out that weight that is put on by emotional eating usually prompts one to have to face what got them into that position.

Ugh.  Don't wanna.  Hard work is hard.  Can I nap now?  I'll do it later.  Go away.

Now that I've lost more than thirty pounds, I find it hard to remember what it was like less than five months ago to be that much heavier.  I still feel like this is the same exact skin I was walking in back in November, but now there's thirty plus pounds of backlogged emotional process I forgot to work through.  It's like paperwork.  It's so not what you got into your field for and you so have to do it anyway.

Don't wanna.

Eating the junky stuff used to numb me out to what I was feeling, primarily loneliness and sadness.  You can definitely be surrounded by people and feel alone.  You can definitely be the first to laugh, and the loudest laugh in the bunch, then go home and cry for some reason.  Those feelings are uncomfortable.  If I focus on eating ALL OF THE THINGS then I don't have to focus on feeling.  I can't do that any more.  Time to put my big girl pants on.

Don't wanna.

And face what I'm really feeling.

Don't wanna.

And hit the treadmill instead of numbing out.

Don't wanna don't wanna don't wanna.

sigh  You hear that?  That's my inner four-year-old who only wants to play and never wants to do anything responsible.  I'm gonna go put her down for a nap so I can get some work done.

Hunger

I thought about the above image this past week while I was talking to someone about what makes them cranky.  They weren't getting enough sleep and got cranky and had a bad day at school.  I get cranky when I'm hungry.  I realized that this is another aspect of my success: I'm addressing my hunger.

First of all, all of my meals are filling and healthy so that I can have large portions that satisfy.  This largely keeps hunger at bay, which largely keeps cravings in check, which largely keeps me in a good mood.  God, I can be such a witch when I'm hungry.  Just to divert into a story for a minute, I think the best example was on a Sunday post-LARP.  Now, I tend not to eat until we gather at a diner at about noon time.  Big trouble.  This particular time, we were also trying to do a video project that ran long, and we had planned to film part of it in the diner.  That didn't really work out for PR reasons.  When my boyfriend turned to me and asked me what I wanted to do, I distinctly remember snapping and saying,  "I just... I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY AND I WANT TO EAT!"  I knew I was wrong for being upset, because it really wasn't anyone's fault, but people seemed to understand.  A friend hugged me and told my boyfriend, "Get this girl something to eat."  We got burgers and french fries at a drive-through, and I felt instantly better.  You can not keep me hungry and expect me to be civil.  It doesn't work that way.  Moving on...

Second of all, I snack on what I crave for including salty nuts, chocolate, salty and crunchies, and cheese.  Is it healthy?  Probably not, but the fact that my smallest portions are the things I really want help me stick to my overall plan.

Finally, my mother was wrong.  She once told me that for a diet to work, you have to be a little bit hungry all of the time.  Uuuhhh, no.  Not for me, ma.  Sorry.  I know me.  When I'm hungry, it's time to look for a snack, and not necessarily a healthy one.  What I'm saying is, know yourself and work that into your plan.  I don't want to hear you nay-sayers talk to me about how this is unhealthy, won't work in the long run, etc.  This is how I've got to do it.  You go on doing what you got to do.

"Worthy of Love"

For me, and I'm sure for a lot of other people, losing weight is not just a physical journey.  This past week I experienced some breakthroughs in therapy that were painful but also enlightening.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I've been through some pretty traumatizing stuff as a kid, but I don't let it dictate the kind of adult I want to be.  Part of my weight problem is an image problem.  Part of my image problem is a self-esteem problem.  Part of my self-esteem problem comes from a basic belief that I am not loveable.

I looked up the meaning of my name when I was little and I got both "loveable" and "worthy of love" from the Latin "ama" or "to love."  It felt like a cruel joke, that that was the meaning of my name.  From a very young age, I never felt like I was loved.  That just wasn't in my family's vocabulary.  My mom showed love by always having something to eat.  No matter how busy she was, how angry, whatever, there was always food.  However, that didn't make me feel loved.

To this day, despite years of working at it in and out of therapy, there is still a part of me that's not convinced I'm loved.  I have friends, some very long-standing ones, but I still have trouble believing these people actually like me.  Sometimes I feel like all anyone really likes is the carefully constructed facade that I've convinced everyone is the real me.  "So what?" some of you might say, "Aren't we all careful about the way we present ourselves to people?"  Perhaps, but it goes deeper than that.  In the past week, I had been feeling insecure and overwhelmed by the thought that even my boyfriend doesn't really love me.  Now, I can't tell you how absurd this idea is, or how unfair it is for me to even think that about the man I love, who is also crazy about me, but this isn't a rational thought and rationalizing it doesn't make it go away.

This is why my attempts at weight loss have failed before.  How in the world was I supposed to think I was worth the effort if I didn't even think I was worthy of love or the least bit loveable?  This is the thought that could unravel everything and make sure I fail again.  Not this time.  I have a boyfriend who does love me and supports me and inspires me.  I have friends who do love me for who I am, and not who I think I'm pretending to be.  I have supporters everywhere in my life who like me enough to encourage and compliment me.  I'm a good person.  I'm a hard-working person.  I deserve to be a healthy person.

I am loved.

30 Pounds Gone and Inspiration

My waist measurement is getting smaller.  My chest, too.  Clearly I'm losing some in my hips and thighs as well.  I was hoping to be out of the 200s by nowish, but every pound is a challenge now.  Still, officially thirty pounds down.  Feeling great.

Exercise is getting easier -- namely running.  I'm trying to work up to 30 minutes at 5.0, which is no small feat for a girl who finds running quite challenging.  Ultimately, I'd like to get to 6.0 and higher.  With every pound lost, that goal becomes more and more realistic and -- dare I say it? -- easy.

The newest struggle I've come across is thinking about the old me -- me in November and December.  Me a year ago, even.  I look at old pictures and I feel... awful.  I don't ever want to go back there.  My progress is enough to inspire me to keep going, but when there's the occasional comment of, "You look MUCH better than you did before"... I don't know.  I guess I just feel sorry for old me, fat Amanda.  I liked me.  I worked really hard to like me, even though many people tried very hard to get me to hate me.  I very much enjoy who I am now.  I'm healthier, have more energy, and I'm more happy.  So, does old Amanda have to be put down like that?  I guess I'm worried about what happens when I plateau for a long time, and I'm stuck being "just okay."  I hate failure.  I'm not sure why I'm having difficulty with this.  Maybe I just need more time to settle into me and accept that this is who I am now.

What's nice is that my change seems to have inspired a lot of people I know to get more serious about what they've got to do for their health.  It's nice to hear.  I never thought I'd be an inspiration of any sort, let alone a weight loss inspiration.  I plan to check in with picture progress again when I'm officially below 200.  That could take another 5-6 weeks.  Who knows?  Maybe longer.  I am proud of my work, though, and I will continue working.  By the holidays next year, I'll be ridiculously "better" than before.  I might even be okay with that.