God, therapy was hard today. The last couple of weeks have been hard. I can't pinpoint one particular thing that is getting in my way or making it hard, but my therapist pointed out that weight that is put on by emotional eating usually prompts one to have to face what got them into that position.
Ugh. Don't wanna. Hard work is hard. Can I nap now? I'll do it later. Go away.
Now that I've lost more than thirty pounds, I find it hard to remember what it was like less than five months ago to be that much heavier. I still feel like this is the same exact skin I was walking in back in November, but now there's thirty plus pounds of backlogged emotional process I forgot to work through. It's like paperwork. It's so not what you got into your field for and you so have to do it anyway.
Don't wanna.
Eating the junky stuff used to numb me out to what I was feeling, primarily loneliness and sadness. You can definitely be surrounded by people and feel alone. You can definitely be the first to laugh, and the loudest laugh in the bunch, then go home and cry for some reason. Those feelings are uncomfortable. If I focus on eating ALL OF THE THINGS then I don't have to focus on feeling. I can't do that any more. Time to put my big girl pants on.
Don't wanna.
And face what I'm really feeling.
Don't wanna.
And hit the treadmill instead of numbing out.
Don't wanna don't wanna don't wanna.
sigh You hear that? That's my inner four-year-old who only wants to play and never wants to do anything responsible. I'm gonna go put her down for a nap so I can get some work done.
