***
She's just a kid who misses her daddy. They were so close and she can't understand what she did to make him go away, but she's sure it's her fault. Mommy is getting drunk and angry. When the kid messes up, she pays for it dearly. Black and blue and choking back tears because if she cries again, the beatings will never stop. She's pretty sure mommy will kill her. She's that angry. She hears, "You're worthless" and "You're a burden" but she never hears "I love you." She grows up angry because anger means power. She drives away every friend she has with lies about other horrible things that happened to her because somehow that's better than the nightmarish truth of her life.
But, she's pretty. She's just pretty enough. And charming. She's just charming enough. People flock to her and it's close enough to love. Predators feed on her and it's close enough to love. She drinks and takes risks and buys things and binge eats because it's close enough to love - the closest she's ever going to get. Because everyone leaves and she can't really be loved, not for long.
***
She's just a kid who misses her mommy. They were so close and she can't understand why she chose the drugs that killed her over the daughter who loved her, but she's sure it's her fault. Daddy lost another little girl and he's hurting. When the kid messes up, she's thrown away. Hungry and lost and nowhere to go because her family spits venom when they talk about "niggers." She's pretty sure they hate her mixed skin, too. She hears, "You're worthless" and "You're a burden" but she never hears, "I love you." She grows up angry because anger means strength. She drives away everyone who tries to help her because they'll just leave, too.
But, she's pretty. She's just pretty enough. And charming. She's just charming enough. People flock to her and it's close enough to love. Predators feed on her and it's close enough to love. She drinks and gets high and prostitutes herself because it's close enough to love - the closest she's ever going to get. Because everyone leaves and she can't really be loved, not for long.
***
She's just a kid who misses her daddy. They were so close and she can't understand why he chooses drugs over being in her life, but she's sure it's her fault. Mommy gets a new boyfriend and he doesn't like the kid. He beats her bloody and someone notices so she's sent to daddy. Daddy's girlfriend hates her and sends her to her ex who is actually nice. All she has to do is have sex with him. She hears, "You're worthless" and "You're a burden" but she never hears, "I love you" except from the lips of a pedophile. She grows up sad and confused because the only man she ever loved goes to jail when people find out. She hides the truth because no one will understand.
But, she's pretty. She's just pretty enough. And charming. She's just charming enough. People flock to her and it's close enough to love. Predators feed on her and it's close enough to love. She gets high and goes from bed to bed with boys and girls alike because it's close enough to love - the closest she's ever going to get. Because everyone leaves and she can't really be loved, not for long.
***
She's just a kid who misses her family. They were so close and she can't understand why everything changed, but she's sure it's her fault. Daddy gets a new wife who hates the kid and then he disappears. Mommy gets wasted every night and brings her and her brother to parties instead of getting a babysitter. She leaves just as soon as she can, but then her brother needs to stay with her and one night he sexually assaults her but no one will believe her. She hears, "You're worthless" and "You're a burden" but she never hears, "I love you." She grows up sad and directionless because she's drowning in her family sickness. She numbs out because it's better than feeling all of this.
But, she's pretty. She's just pretty enough. And charming. She's just charming enough. People flock to her and it's close enough to love. Predators feed on her and it's close enough to love. She shoots dope and drinks because it's close enough to love - the closest she's ever going to get. Because everyone hurts her and she can't really be loved, not for long.
***
I've been told I have a tough exterior, that I exude a strong personality. Inside of me lives a four-year-old and a fourteen-year-old. The four-year-old is scared. She hides and cries and is afraid of monsters. The fourteen-year-old is angry. She screams and lashes out and is afraid to be alone.
Try to understand my damage.
