Licensed!: An Open Letter

To the Universe:

I am so grateful to have received recognition of my achievements in the form of official licensure by the state of New York as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT).

BAM!

So this is an open letter to just about everyone.

 

First of all, I want to thank my mother.  She has always pushed me to achieve, even before I was in school.  She worked so hard to make sure I had every opportunity she could afford and then some.  Although she hasn't always agreed with my decisions or understood my path, I know she's always been supportive in her own way and she couldn't be more proud of me.

 

Second of all, I would like to thank the rest of the people I call my family, both alive and passed, all around the world.  You've inspired me to pursue a career understanding how one's family influences one's path, and you've all certainly influenced mine and have allowed me to grow in the ways I had to in order to become the happy, successful person I am today.

 

I want to thank my fiancé for always supporting me and helping me get through the craziness that was graduate school.  You've held me up when I was falling and you loved me when I struggled to love myself.  It's always been your goal to help me achieve mine, and I can't thank you enough for continuing to be wonderful and someone I would be proud to call my husband.

 

My friends also deserve a shout-out.  In big ways and small, you have all encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing.  I've watched so many people grow and be influenced by the world around them and it keeps me going.  It keeps me engaged.  From the smallest compliment to a listening ear for my barrage of verbal craziness, you've all contributed to what is to this date the pinnacle of my professional achievements.

 

To my co-workers and classmates: you too deserve a thank you.  From standing arm-in-arm with me through the same struggles to supporting me during hard times and making sure I was safe, you've all contributed to my success.  Specifically for my classmates in graduate school, you helped me figure out how to have mature adult friendships and grow more in two years than I ever imaged I could.  As graduate school came through and excavated the backyard of the perfectly buried baggage of my life, you were all there, mourning, learning, celebrating, laughing, and growing with me.  Thank you for that.

 

Of course, my teachers, supervisors, and employers also deserve a shout-out.  I want to thank every teacher I've ever had.  When I look back on my life, I can pick out specific teachers and specific times when these special adults filled needs in my life that went above and beyond their duties.  Teachers inspired me to learn and grow even beyond the classroom.  Teachers helped me feel safe to explore the world around me.  Some of those teachers saved my life when life seemed really hard.  I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.  My supervisors all seemed to take on the partial role of therapist, especially in my early career, and I am grateful for their hard work.  My employers gave me so many great chances to grow and expand my experiences and for that I thank you as well.

 

Finally, I want to thank all of my clients.  Perhaps you'll never read this, but I hope that you all know that you make me want to come to work every day.  You help me learn new things all of the time.  You bring me new challenges and I feel energized just helping you to meet those challenges yourself.  I have a hard time reflecting on my clients and not loving at least one thing about them.  I'm always able to identify the ways in which I've learned from each of them.  You make me a better therapist every day and it's because of you that I can see myself doing this job for a long time.

 

As for all of the rest of you, I know you have some influence here.  Take a thank you for yourself.  Maybe I could have done it without you.  Maybe I could have done it without anyone, but I think I vastly prefer the way it all happened - the good, the bad, the ugly, the joy, the pain, and the growth.

 

Thank you,

 

Amanda Marie Taylor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

"You've Lost Weight!"

I went home for an extended weekend in order to observe my little brother's 24th birthday, and it was really great.  I had a really good time all weekend.  I was treated to a lot of fun and a lot of great experiences and insights throughout the weekend.

By far my favorite of these was the first words out of my mother's mouth as she greeted me at the door of her beautiful new home.  "You look like you've lost weight!" she said happily in her thick, Korean accent before giving me a hug.

I was thrown.  All I can remember about my mom's messages about me and my weight are negative, or at the very least back-handed compliments and mixed messages.  I can remember her telling me I was fat when I was 8 years old.  I can remember her telling me I need to stop eating so much while piling on the servings on my plate and then getting furious at me for daring to suggest that she ever forced me to eat when I didn't want to (she did at least once).  I remember when we visited Korea in 2004 and I had lost 10 pounds without even trying between actually good and wholesome meals and being very active the whole month in a foreign country.  My mom said, "That's good, but you have to keep it up."  I felt dejected.  I've always felt hopeless about my weight.  I felt like I've tried so many times before and I've failed, then this weekend she acknowledged my work without a side remark.  She saw me and she saw my work and she gave me praise.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.

I've been afraid to "check up" on my weight during the month because I'm always fearful of being discouraged in my journey.  What if I find that my indulgences pack on the weight despite the positive habits I've also incorporated?  Will I feel hopeless again?  Will I give up?  I want to step on that scale.  I want to know, but I'm afraid.

I keep telling myself, "This isn't about weight, remember?  This is about health!  You're healthier!  Who cares about weight?"  Maybe it's my hormones for this time of the month.  Maybe it's a lifetime of indoctrination to be obsessed about my weight.

My worth is not measured in pounds.  My worth is measured by the positivity I attract.

I just need to keep telling myself that.

Momma and me as a kidlet.

I (Finally) Raced a 5k!

I've tried the Couch-to-5k program about two or three times before.  I believe I reached weeks 6-7 out of nine every time.  I should also mention that I was always doing this on a treadmill, which now I realize is probably the worst way I could have done this, but I hadn't read anything to discourage me from trying it this way.  Needless to say, when Alex suggested that we give RunKeeper's Beginner 5k training a try, I wasn't brimming with confidence.  My previous failures seemed to add up to the reality that running for that long just wasn't something my body was capable of.

Through this process I've learned to stop putting mental limits on my body, because they are largely mental.  With enough time and patience, I've learned that I can accomplish most anything I try.  If I've fallen short in anything in my previous attempts, it would probably be having the patience to give whatever I'm doing enough time to develop.

So, I raced a 5k on Friday morning, the 8th.  The whole time I was running I was aware of how hard my body was working but also how strong I felt and how capable I felt that I could keep going and keep pushing myself.  I was hoping to time in under 35 minutes for the race.  Here's what I ended up with:

At a wedding over the weekend, Alex couldn't resist grabbing my booty and saying, "That's a 5k booty.  Imagine what a 10k booty will be like."  The 10k training starts tomorrow! 

Month 7 Results & My Riskiest Progress Pics Yet!

Let's get started, shall we?

Starting Weight: 220.7 lbs.
End Weight: 218.7 lbs.
Weight Change: -2 lbs.

That's me eating whole bags of chips.  That's me eating pizza.  That's me having a late-night sushi roll yesterday.  That's me eating a whole bunch of other junky stuff in quantities that I really shouldn't have.  That's also me running every other day for weeks on end no matter how crappy I felt or how bad the weather was.  Not bad, eh?

I have three more training sessions for RunKeeper's Beginner 5k before my "race" run.  No, I didn't actually sign up for a race, but it'll be nice to see what kind of record I can manage if I was doing a race.  Maybe I'll consider enrolling in races in the near future.

Now the risky bit.  About a month ago, I bought a bikini.  Attitudes seem to be floating around during this season that reflect, "To have a bikini body, put a bikini on your body."  Internally, I cringe.  Like, "no one wants to see that," then I think, "Who cares about them?  Not me!"  Still, I'm not entirely happy with what I see underneath my clothes, but it's a work in progress.

My loving fiance has challenged me to step up my progress photos in this way, and I think he's got a good point.  Perhaps this can boost my motivation, but also my self-esteem.  No more hiding behind my all-black workout clothes.  Time to bare all (well, not ALL).  Blah blah blah, here they are (left is July 1st, right is August 1st):

*breathes* I'm okay.  It's okay.  I don't look horrible.  I don't look bad.  I certainly look better than I did at 243 lbs.  It's okay.  I'm okay.