Life with Soylent: Week 1

So, the first week came and went and it was actually pretty good for generally being the worst week of the month for me. I found that after I got over my toxin release headache that I had a lot of energy because my body wasn't wasting energy breaking down bad food.

On day two I came home and ate half of a bag of chips and some cheese sticks. The salt cravings were strong. On day three I ate more cheese sticks and tossed out the remaining food in the house. On Saturday we had pizza, snacks, and drinks and on Sunday we got a couple of subs. We decided we're okay with this. Soylent works well to fill the gaps between the treats.

And now I have a puppy. The thing cried all night Saturday and Sunday because we're crate training him. It's hard to have cravings when you're struggling with keeping your eyes open and looking engaged for your clients. I need coffee.

Oh, and I'm down weight. No big surprise. I'll check in next week.

Soylent: Day 1

So the Soylent delivery arrived on Friday and I got so excited that I immediately ripped into the boxes and took some crappy pictures:

 

 

And, of course, I posted this to Facebook.  This was immediately followed by a link-response which I imagine was designed to discourage my excitement.  Whatever.  Still excited.  I was in the middle of packing for the weekend away, so I left everything and resolved to get excited again upon my return on Sunday.

Alex was, of course, being positive and responsible.  He helped unpack and stock everything while I blended and stored Day 1's half-gallon "meals." We did a taste test and it was a bit chalky but otherwise just as Alex described from his research: just as non-offensive as possible.  We then went to the local hibachi restaurant for a decadent solid food send-off that included a drink called "The Scorpion" for the fiancé. I have never seen the man turn so red so quickly. It was delightful.

Breakfast this morning was an interesting experience. Ordinarily I'd wake up and head straight for the kitchen to cook us up some solid omelets, but instead at 7:20 AM I just poured out 16 ounces of Soylent and sat around, not knowing what to do with myself.  With the overnight settling, the Soylent had become less chalky and I could appreciate the very slight vanilla flavor of it.

Eventually I decided to spend a luxurious amount of time straightening my hair and applying my makeup while Alex talked about plans to enroll in the local gym with a trainer and everything so we can continue to be serious about our health. I like this plan. I like that I had time to be as pretty as I wanted.

At approximately 9:00 AM, upon getting to work, I poured myself 8 ounces and slugged that down while meeting with my first client. I texted Alex between this client and the next one because he asked me how I was doing so I told him: not full but also not hungry. It was a little weird.

Lunch came and I was positive and happy, but I'm told I tend to come off that way anyway. I merrily recounted my fabulous weekend with a co-worker over 16 ounces.

It was around 3:00 PM before I decided I should probably re-up with another 8 ounces. At this point Alex is texting me saying his day has been busy and he has a lot of Soylent left. I do not. I have probably another good 16 ounces left for dinner.  I'm not hungry. I'm not tempted by solid foods. I'm good.

6:00 PM I consumed my last 19 ounces after coming home from work and being faced with a couple of half-full bags of chips. Still not tempted. Not bad for day 1.

A New Experiment

So, I didn't update the blog at the beginning of the month. Honestly, there wasn't much to say. I more or less did not lose or gain weight. My weight was the same from September 1st to October 1st.  That was neither surprising nor disappointing. It was also not worth blogging about. Honestly, I've been holding out for this. I think this deserves blogging about.

 

So, many months ago Alex came across this product that was going wild on KickStarter and it had a quirky name: Soylent. He did a lot of scouring the internet before approaching me with a wild idea: what if we try this popular meal replacement option?  First of all, watch the video to get the gist of what this is:

 

Got it?  Okay.  I know it sounds weird. I know it probably sounds unhealthy to you.  Oh, let me just get this out of the way: I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR CRITICISM OR FEEDBACK ABOUT HOW CRAZY/UNHEALTHY/IRRESPONSIBLE MY DECISIONS ARE, THANK YOU! Now that we got that out of the way, when Alex pitched this to me what really got me interested was the idea that we've valued a lot as a couple: our time is precious. I spend a significant amount of time buying, preparing, making, packaging, and consuming food. Don't get me wrong, I like food. One could argue I like food too much and therein lies the problem.

For the last couple of months and more importantly for my entire life I have struggled with overeating and compulsive eating. The natural consequence is that I've gained weight, which is fine. I have learned to love my body. What's not fine is that the detriments to my health will catch up to me eventually. I've tried. I've tried many ways to control my eating, count my calories, pre-package my foods, and none of it has worked for very long.

Why not try this? Why not give it a shot? So, this is the experiment: I'm going to try a diet consisting almost entirely of Soylent for the next month. Maybe I'll lose weight. I mean, probably I'll lose weight because I definitely eat over my allotted daily caloric intake regularly. The point is, however, I'll probably gain more: control over my eating, more complete nutrition, and time. Oh, so much time. Especially in the morning.

I got the shipping confirmation this morning. Next week starts the experiment!

Month 8 Results: Surprising Changes

Well.  I genuinely don't know what to make of this month.

 

Starting weight 8/1/2014: 218.7 lbs.

End weight 9/1/2014: 222.6 lbs.

Change: +3.9 lbs.

 

I, uh... I genuinely don't understand.  I started running 4 times per week instead of 3.  I did go on vacation and I'm sure we're all familiar with what vacations do for eating right.  I feel healthier, I think I look slimmer, and the scale is massively confused.  As of this morning I'm back up to 224 lbs.

 

So I guess the conclusion I've come to is that the scale is a nice metric for telling me if I'm way off for keeping myself responsible, but it is not the end-all-be-all for my journey.  I feel good.  I know my legs feel stronger and more muscular according to my loving fiancé.

 

Anyway, on to photo documentation.  The left is from July 1st, the right is from September 1st.

 

 

Can you see where I gained 4 pounds?  Because I can't.

Licensed!: An Open Letter

To the Universe:

I am so grateful to have received recognition of my achievements in the form of official licensure by the state of New York as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT).

BAM!

So this is an open letter to just about everyone.

 

First of all, I want to thank my mother.  She has always pushed me to achieve, even before I was in school.  She worked so hard to make sure I had every opportunity she could afford and then some.  Although she hasn't always agreed with my decisions or understood my path, I know she's always been supportive in her own way and she couldn't be more proud of me.

 

Second of all, I would like to thank the rest of the people I call my family, both alive and passed, all around the world.  You've inspired me to pursue a career understanding how one's family influences one's path, and you've all certainly influenced mine and have allowed me to grow in the ways I had to in order to become the happy, successful person I am today.

 

I want to thank my fiancé for always supporting me and helping me get through the craziness that was graduate school.  You've held me up when I was falling and you loved me when I struggled to love myself.  It's always been your goal to help me achieve mine, and I can't thank you enough for continuing to be wonderful and someone I would be proud to call my husband.

 

My friends also deserve a shout-out.  In big ways and small, you have all encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing.  I've watched so many people grow and be influenced by the world around them and it keeps me going.  It keeps me engaged.  From the smallest compliment to a listening ear for my barrage of verbal craziness, you've all contributed to what is to this date the pinnacle of my professional achievements.

 

To my co-workers and classmates: you too deserve a thank you.  From standing arm-in-arm with me through the same struggles to supporting me during hard times and making sure I was safe, you've all contributed to my success.  Specifically for my classmates in graduate school, you helped me figure out how to have mature adult friendships and grow more in two years than I ever imaged I could.  As graduate school came through and excavated the backyard of the perfectly buried baggage of my life, you were all there, mourning, learning, celebrating, laughing, and growing with me.  Thank you for that.

 

Of course, my teachers, supervisors, and employers also deserve a shout-out.  I want to thank every teacher I've ever had.  When I look back on my life, I can pick out specific teachers and specific times when these special adults filled needs in my life that went above and beyond their duties.  Teachers inspired me to learn and grow even beyond the classroom.  Teachers helped me feel safe to explore the world around me.  Some of those teachers saved my life when life seemed really hard.  I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.  My supervisors all seemed to take on the partial role of therapist, especially in my early career, and I am grateful for their hard work.  My employers gave me so many great chances to grow and expand my experiences and for that I thank you as well.

 

Finally, I want to thank all of my clients.  Perhaps you'll never read this, but I hope that you all know that you make me want to come to work every day.  You help me learn new things all of the time.  You bring me new challenges and I feel energized just helping you to meet those challenges yourself.  I have a hard time reflecting on my clients and not loving at least one thing about them.  I'm always able to identify the ways in which I've learned from each of them.  You make me a better therapist every day and it's because of you that I can see myself doing this job for a long time.

 

As for all of the rest of you, I know you have some influence here.  Take a thank you for yourself.  Maybe I could have done it without you.  Maybe I could have done it without anyone, but I think I vastly prefer the way it all happened - the good, the bad, the ugly, the joy, the pain, and the growth.

 

Thank you,

 

Amanda Marie Taylor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

"You've Lost Weight!"

I went home for an extended weekend in order to observe my little brother's 24th birthday, and it was really great.  I had a really good time all weekend.  I was treated to a lot of fun and a lot of great experiences and insights throughout the weekend.

By far my favorite of these was the first words out of my mother's mouth as she greeted me at the door of her beautiful new home.  "You look like you've lost weight!" she said happily in her thick, Korean accent before giving me a hug.

I was thrown.  All I can remember about my mom's messages about me and my weight are negative, or at the very least back-handed compliments and mixed messages.  I can remember her telling me I was fat when I was 8 years old.  I can remember her telling me I need to stop eating so much while piling on the servings on my plate and then getting furious at me for daring to suggest that she ever forced me to eat when I didn't want to (she did at least once).  I remember when we visited Korea in 2004 and I had lost 10 pounds without even trying between actually good and wholesome meals and being very active the whole month in a foreign country.  My mom said, "That's good, but you have to keep it up."  I felt dejected.  I've always felt hopeless about my weight.  I felt like I've tried so many times before and I've failed, then this weekend she acknowledged my work without a side remark.  She saw me and she saw my work and she gave me praise.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.

I've been afraid to "check up" on my weight during the month because I'm always fearful of being discouraged in my journey.  What if I find that my indulgences pack on the weight despite the positive habits I've also incorporated?  Will I feel hopeless again?  Will I give up?  I want to step on that scale.  I want to know, but I'm afraid.

I keep telling myself, "This isn't about weight, remember?  This is about health!  You're healthier!  Who cares about weight?"  Maybe it's my hormones for this time of the month.  Maybe it's a lifetime of indoctrination to be obsessed about my weight.

My worth is not measured in pounds.  My worth is measured by the positivity I attract.

I just need to keep telling myself that.

Momma and me as a kidlet.

I (Finally) Raced a 5k!

I've tried the Couch-to-5k program about two or three times before.  I believe I reached weeks 6-7 out of nine every time.  I should also mention that I was always doing this on a treadmill, which now I realize is probably the worst way I could have done this, but I hadn't read anything to discourage me from trying it this way.  Needless to say, when Alex suggested that we give RunKeeper's Beginner 5k training a try, I wasn't brimming with confidence.  My previous failures seemed to add up to the reality that running for that long just wasn't something my body was capable of.

Through this process I've learned to stop putting mental limits on my body, because they are largely mental.  With enough time and patience, I've learned that I can accomplish most anything I try.  If I've fallen short in anything in my previous attempts, it would probably be having the patience to give whatever I'm doing enough time to develop.

So, I raced a 5k on Friday morning, the 8th.  The whole time I was running I was aware of how hard my body was working but also how strong I felt and how capable I felt that I could keep going and keep pushing myself.  I was hoping to time in under 35 minutes for the race.  Here's what I ended up with:

At a wedding over the weekend, Alex couldn't resist grabbing my booty and saying, "That's a 5k booty.  Imagine what a 10k booty will be like."  The 10k training starts tomorrow! 

Month 7 Results & My Riskiest Progress Pics Yet!

Let's get started, shall we?

Starting Weight: 220.7 lbs.
End Weight: 218.7 lbs.
Weight Change: -2 lbs.

That's me eating whole bags of chips.  That's me eating pizza.  That's me having a late-night sushi roll yesterday.  That's me eating a whole bunch of other junky stuff in quantities that I really shouldn't have.  That's also me running every other day for weeks on end no matter how crappy I felt or how bad the weather was.  Not bad, eh?

I have three more training sessions for RunKeeper's Beginner 5k before my "race" run.  No, I didn't actually sign up for a race, but it'll be nice to see what kind of record I can manage if I was doing a race.  Maybe I'll consider enrolling in races in the near future.

Now the risky bit.  About a month ago, I bought a bikini.  Attitudes seem to be floating around during this season that reflect, "To have a bikini body, put a bikini on your body."  Internally, I cringe.  Like, "no one wants to see that," then I think, "Who cares about them?  Not me!"  Still, I'm not entirely happy with what I see underneath my clothes, but it's a work in progress.

My loving fiance has challenged me to step up my progress photos in this way, and I think he's got a good point.  Perhaps this can boost my motivation, but also my self-esteem.  No more hiding behind my all-black workout clothes.  Time to bare all (well, not ALL).  Blah blah blah, here they are (left is July 1st, right is August 1st):

*breathes* I'm okay.  It's okay.  I don't look horrible.  I don't look bad.  I certainly look better than I did at 243 lbs.  It's okay.  I'm okay.

5 Things I Wish Someone Told Me (About Sex)

So, maybe this doesn't seem relevant to this blog, but hear me out.  This is about bodies and people and body image and messages.  This is inspired by this article that spoke to me, that exactly mirrored my experience growing up.

First, a little background.  My mother is Korean and I grew up in Korean protestant churches.  We weren't too picky on the denominations because what really mattered to my mother is that the church was Korean.  You see, my father was in the USAF and was stationed in South Korea, where he met, presumably fell in love with, and married my mother.  Shortly thereafter, I was conceived and sitting cozy in South Korea until the ripe age of two months when my father was stationed back in the States.  Despite being in the USA for more than twenty-six years, my mother still says she feels more comfortable with the Korean language and understands concepts better in Korean so, Korean churches was where it was at for us.

Growing up, I felt deeply disturbed by how adults treated little girls being friends with little boys in a way I couldn't quite verbalize.  It was quiet, sinister, and never really called out by anyone.  If I really think about it, I don't think little boys and little girls were ever really encouraged to be friends.  We couldn't play together behind locked doors or away from the watchful eye of a responsible adult.  I really didn't understand why it was this way as a little kid, but it's not a little kid's place to question why.  You follow the rules.  Because I said so.  That's why.  Because I'm the adult.  That's why.

Now I get it.  Now I can verbalize it and call it out for what it is.  The adults in our lives were terrified that we would engage in sexual activity with one another as children.  Gasp!  The mere thought!

Okay, first of all: you're assuming that sexual activity at any age is deviant and/or abnormal (it's not - it's generally developmentally appropriate).  Second of all, you're assuming that this would only occur in opposite-sex interactions (also no - also developmentally appropriate).  Thirdly, you're running the risk of giving kids complexes around sex.

That's what happened to me.  I was terrified about sex until I was twenty-one years old and even then I had to do a lot of work to re-wire my thinking.  Heck, I am still working on that.  I did a speech about this in graduate school.  So, let's get to the meat of this entry.

1. Sex is completely normal, natural, and actually fun!
Man, would I have never known that based on the messages I received about it.  It seemed like the adults in my life wanted me to believe that sex was abnormal, deviant, and horrible.  It hurts!  It's just bad for you in general!  And, my personal favorite, you'll go to hell!  What outright lies!

2. There can be a deep, emotional component to sex.
Really?  Because all I was told was the very cold, clinical, even mechanical views on sex.  On television and in movies people seem to have sex all of the time with no attachments and little in the way of consequences.  To cry during or after sex is just weird, awkward, and unnatural.  To feel anything makes you "such a girl" and that's a bad thing, obviously.

3. Same-sex attraction is normal and happens along a spectrum.
What, you mean like most things in life happen on a spectrum and not in these arbitrary binary schemas?  Go on!

4. Sex can be seriously dangerous for real, medical reasons.
Everybody seemed to make me want to be afraid of sex for reasons that - well, now I realize - weren't real.  In my current vocation, I am constantly exposed to STI/HIV/Hep C education and I realized that despite the boring presentations in Health class growing up, no one ever actually let me know how dangerous sex can be.  Similar to how sex and emotion were separated to me in Sex Ed, so was sexual activity and health, and the education around it was so overblown it was like they were trying to make it so that we ignored the real dangers!  If I told you the prevalence rates of some of these things, it'd make your head spin.  If I told you that the majority of those infected have no symptoms whatsoever, you'd call me a liar, but it's true!

5. You can and should have open communication about sex with potential and certainly current partners.
What?  Nobody does that!  I mean, certainly not in mixed company and definitely not on television or in movies.  That's just weird!  Why would you have discussions about what you like or what your expectations are or your needs or whether or not you've been tested for infections?  Come on, that's just crazy talk!

So yeah.  I'm going to raise children eventually, and you better damn well believe I'm going to let them know about all of the above and then some (in developmentally appropriate ways, of course).  No one should have to live in fear of something so natural and so beautiful the way that I did.

TL;DR - I was told or sent messages that made me scared of sex and didn't at all prepare me for the realities about being a sexually active person.  That sucks.

Try

So, this feeling has been building for weeks - I guess two weeks, since my weigh-in post/confessional.  Since that time, I've been getting a lot of positive feedback about my looks, my accomplishments, and me as a person.  I was also exposed to the above video and an accompanying interview where Colbie Caillat said exactly how I feel, that though I sometimes like to make myself up there is also immense pressure as a woman to look a certain way instead of just the way you are.

I'm used to the compliments, especially when I put more effort into doing my hair or applying my makeup.  People will often say, "You look nice today."  That was always easy to accept.  I mean, of course I look nice today.  I spent two hours meticulously coiffing and applying.  However, self-image and I have done a tango for most of my life so it can sometimes be harder to accept the compliments when I haven't put the effort in, like I didn't earn it.  You think I'm pretty when I haven't put the effort in?  You must be trying to be nice and polite, so thank you anyway.

I acknowledge that perhaps it's probably perspective that makes me think that I've received a lot of compliments lately.  What I mean is, because I'm happy and feeling confident and feeling healthy and overall just good, I'm more likely to notice and internalize the positive feedback.  (Okay, therapist, take it down a notch.)

Anyway, a friend of mine tagged me in a Facebook game to post five pictures that make me feel beautiful and I was kind of upset that in almost all of the pictures, I was really done up.  Another friend of mine, Jenica, once told me, "You have the most remarkable eyes."  This weekend, a guy friend of mine described me to a third party as "hot."  That last one makes my skin crawl a little, because internally I'm panicking like, "I'm not hot!  Don't tell people I'm hot!  They'll be so disappointed!"  But, yeah.  I'm good at calming my inner spaz at the moment.

The point is, I really like to get dolled up.  I do.  I am also working on really liking who I am and accepting my beauty when I haven't made the effort at all.  My wonderful fiancé has never and will never stop gushing about how beautiful I am, and I want to truly own that.  I also think that the energy I'm putting out there in the universe is attracting a lot of positive reinforcement from the females in my life, too.  They like my no makeup selfies and my five "beautiful" images, and I love that about my friends.

This journey is not about weightloss any more.  It's about doubt-loss.  It's about fear-loss.  It's about the loss of the limitations that have been imposed upon me, as well as those that have been self-imposed.  I'm so excited!

Month 6 Results & a Confession

Let's get this out of the way.  Pictures - left is April 1st, right is July 1st:

 

 

 

Also, numbers.

Starting Weight 6/1/14: 219.1 lbs.
End Weight 7/1/14: 220.7 lbs.
Difference: +1.6 lbs.

I ate badly. I'm menstruating. Yadda yadda.  More importantly:

Starting Weight 1/1/14: 236 lbs.
End Weight 7/1/14: 220.7 lbs.
Difference: -15.3 lbs.

And now the confession.  Well, here's the pre-confession.  I haven't been eating all that well.  I like food.  I enjoy being lazy.  I love my body.

... and I don't think I really want to lose weight.

So, there it is.  It hit me the other day as I was walking to and from work as I've been doing ever since the weather got nice and I realized that I felt good.  I felt healthy.  I've been getting so frustrated over the scale, and you know what?  I don't think I actually care that I haven't been losing weight.  I think I tried to care because I felt I was accountable for results while writing this blog and you know what?  Fuck that.  No, seriously.  Who cares if I'm not skinny?  Who cares if people would shame my body if I dared to hit the beach in a bikini?  Answer: not me.

You know what?  I ran 2 miles this morning.  Outside.  I feel healthy.  I feel capable.  I feel good.  I need to stop thinking of all of this in terms of an end goal and think of it as a great process.  I mean, I've been consistently working out for six months.  I've lost 15 pounds in that time and increased my fitness in ways that can't entirely be measured.  In short: I'm amazing.

Yeah, maybe it would be nice to slim down for the wedding.  Sure, perhaps I'd feel more comfortable rockin' that teeny bikini with less of a gut, but you know what?  I'm enjoying my life.  I'm enjoying my health.  My fiancé loves my body.  Plenty of other people find me attractive just the way I am.  I'm just not interested in killing myself trying to achieve a weight my body and lifestyle just can't accomodate right now.

I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing, and keep feeling good while I'm at it.  If I happen to lose weight in the process, great.  If I don't, I'm still feeling good and doing some good things.  I'll put that in the "win" column.

If You See Me Running, You Should Run...

... is what I used to say to everyone.  No, seriously, there are probably bears coming.  Or zombies.  Or zombie bears.

But Alex was getting sick and tired of Shaun T.'s Insanity and honestly I can't blame him.  It's a long program, but damn if it didn't give me great fitness results.  So, I decided to try running on the treadmill one day and I was surprised at how well I did and how good I felt, but it's not a secret to any serious runner that cross-training is important for performance.

Anyway, I've probably tried the Couch-to-5k about three times and most of the time I get to about week 6 or 7 before I quit.  I figured this was because I suck at running and it just wasn't for me.  I believed that the treadmill was the only way because the track was always moving so I had to keep going.  I thought, "no way will anyone ever make me run outside, ever."

And then Alex downloaded RunKeeper and wanted to try it.  Oh, by the way, Alex used to be a cross-country runner.  No, I'm not joking.  Runners come in all sizes, ya'll.  So, yeah.  He made me.  I was not thrilled by the idea.

RunKeeper has a couple of training programs in the app, so we picked the 5k training program and away we went.  We're due to complete a 5k with this program before the middle of August, so the intensity is slowly ramping up.  There are some interval runs, some long walks, and some straight up distance runs.  Here's my numbers for the distance runs:

June 10 - 12:01 minutes/mile
June 19 - 12:15 minutes/mile
June 23 - 11:04 minutes/mile
June 27 - 11:16 minutes/mile

So, the overall trend seems to show improvement.  My starting pace would be about a 5 on the treadmill, and I'm working towards a 5.5 in treadmill speed.  I'm sure it'll just keep going from there.

The biggest and most surprising revelation is that this is easier.  It should have made sense to me long before now, but treadmill running is exhausting.  The pace never lets up.  When you're running outside, you set the pace.  I was so worried that I would stop running just because the track wasn't moving underneath me yet what I found was that I could simply choose to slow my pace a bit and keep going until I felt stronger.  Well, duh!  Right?  Whatever.  Let me have my little realization.

The point is, I kind of like running outside now.  It's just another way I've proven that I have no idea what my body is capable of.  My body is incredible.  Let's see where this takes me!

MOVE, damn you!

It feels kind of like that.  I'm at a definite calorie deficit, I'm working hard, and the scale refuses to push me past about 220 pounds.  Fuck you, scale.  Get with the program.

Yes, I know plateaus happen.  No, I don't want to hear your advice about pushing past it.

Another Day, Another Fit Test

Continued improvement despite massive exhaustion and laziness.

Here are my numbers from this morning's Insanity fit test (the 4th one):

Switch Kicks
1st: 33
2nd: 55
3rd: 65
4th: 71

Power Jacks
1st: 20
2nd: 40
3rd: 47
4th: 55

Power Knees
1st: 75
2nd: 101
3rd: 101
4th: 105

Power Jumps
1st: 15
2nd: 26
3rd: 31
4th: 45

Globe Jumps
1st: 6
2nd: 9
3rd: 10
4th: 10

Suicide Jumps
1st: 5
2nd: 8
3rd: 9
4th: 11

Push-up Jacks
1st: 15
2nd: 23
3rd: 25
4th: 29

Low Plank Obliques
1st: 46
2nd: 55
3rd: 57
4th: 61

Final test will be in a couple of weeks.  So yeah, bit of a boring blog post.  See previous entry for pics and whatnot.

June Results Deferred

Man, this was a rough month.  You might notice that I'm posting my results on the 5th instead of the 1st.  Well, let me start by saying that it's so difficult to own up and be personally responsible/accountable.  It just is.  I've been mulling over several excuses: my back injury, my PMDD (click link for more info), the stress of my life and work bearing down on me, and the rare interruption of my otherwise peaceful relationship with my fiance.  I keep coming back to the idea that there's always an excuse, but also rebound to the idea that I need to be more self-compassionate.

When I stepped on the scale on the 1st, I was not pleased.  I was in denial.  I was bad at the end of May.  Between not hitting the fitness as hard as I used to and eating without regard for my health, the results were not what I wanted.  I buckled down over the next several days and here I am, water weight banished for now, with results I'm more willing to share.  I just can't bring myself to share my failures.  Not now.  Maybe some day.

Here's the result:

Starting weight May 1st: 222.9 lbs.

End weight June 5th: 219.1 lbs.

Change: -3.8 lbs.

As for photographic evidence, the changes don't seem quite right - perhaps due to change in resolution with my new phone - but there are slight changes, as you can see:



I can't wait until next month's check-in, because it's the six-month mark.  The comparison between January 1st and July 1st will be much more evident.  For now, I'm going to keep at it for 25 more days.