It's strange to me that I took to running the way I did. I've never been particularly athletic or ambitious in that realm. I didn't think I was built like your typical runner. For a long time, I didn't understand why it had become one of my things, but I've slowly come around to understanding.
You see, swimming used to be that thing for me. I love the water, always have. Under the water the noise of the outside world is gone but so is the noise inside my head. For a little while in college I was dragging myself out of bed at ungodly hours of the morning in freezing temps to do 30 laps in the University pool. I never guessed that I'd achieve that kind of peace with running, but I did.
I had a lot of personal revelations in those 30 laps back in the day, and now that I run I get them between miles 3 and 6. Yesterday it was a revelation about what I had called "my anger problems" for most of my life. As a teenager, I was really angry. I had been betrayed by people I trusted. I had been hurt by people who were supposed to love me. I was a scared, hurt little girl who thought that it was better to be angry than sad. You can do something with anger. You don't have to feel so powerless. For a long time, some people only experienced me as That Scary Angry Girl. I carried that around like a badge of honor, like armor against those who could hurt me any more than I'd already been hurt. Fine. This is who I am. Now stay away.
During my 8 mile run yesterday, I had a random thought. Although I know I've grown up a lot since then, I think a part of me held on to that identity. I am passionate and feisty and strong-willed. I thought these were hold-overs from my angry teenager phase, but no. Those qualities are part of my true self. The anger was a traumatized and abused little girl trying her best to hang on for life to get better. It did.
This is important to me because I am often worried about what kind of parent I'm going to be. I worry my anger will get the best of me like it did for my mother and I'll end up hurting or traumatizing my children. But I'm not That Scary Angry Girl anymore. She was never who I really was. I can let go of her because she did her job and life got better and I'm okay now. I'll be a fine mother one day. I know I will.
This is what running has given me.
