Success & Disappointment

So I weighed in Monday, and the scale read 236.  The first thing I felt was disappointment, and then I felt silly.  I lost two pounds in a week!  That's good!  I just had my heart set on 235.  I had also lost a couple of inches overall.  Today I weighed in at 234.  Huzzah!  That's 9 pounds since Thanksgiving!  I'm getting into a phase where I'm not eating dinner, mostly because it doesn't feel needed when I get home and then shortly thereafter go to bed.  The result is a 1200-1300 calorie day.  This might change week to week.

A nice side benefit to being dedicated to this plan is that occasionally my boyfriend will drop down and do some shirtless push-ups.  Hell yeah.  Hey, men have been objectifying me since puberty.  It's my turn.  He got up to 20 push-ups in one set.  That's 20 more than I can do, I'm sure.  Maybe I'll work on that at some point.

For now I'm getting my steps in, tracking my food intake, and trying not to go crazy on the weekends.  Last week we earned upwards of $90 in additional fun budget.  This was due to having a perfect week ($50), a bonus for that perfect week ($10), and bonuses for keeping pounds and inches off from one week to the next.  Winning!

Still feeling really motivated, if still a bit prone to want to snack on something salty.  Onward!

Struggles

So, the blogs will be less frequent because five a week just isn't going to happen, but I feel like I have enough content from the week to talk about at this point.  Sticking with the plan is hard (duh, said anyone who's ever tried).  I had some days where I was constantly thinking about the food I wasn't eating.  I had another day where I ate half a bag of chips.  Why?  Because it was there.  Because I smelled it.  Because I'm a compulsive eater.

I played hooky from work on Tuesday (ate as planned, though) and work ran into Zumba today, so no Zumba at all for the week, but my steps have been good.  At least I went to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and I'm glad I did.  It feels really good to talk to people who experience the same feelings and impulses you do in order to convince yourself that no, you're not crazy and yes, there are others going through what you are so you don't have to go it alone.  We talked about the upcoming holidays and I feel less scared about the temptation.  I asked when this would get easier, and one of the leaders, who was also an alcoholic, suggested to think of it like being abstinent from drugs or alcohol -- 28 day rehab, and then the fog will lift.  So if I count my Wednesday chip binge, the fog will lift after January 3rd barring any further binges.  I just have to avoid the salty, crunchy stuff.  It is my crack.

Besides Wednesday, I've been staying in my calorie goal of 1500-1600.  Today I only had 1200.  I just didn't feel hungry, probably because I feel bad about my Wednesday night binge.  I lost 5 pounds last week, and I'm hoping for 3this week.  It's a LARP weekend so maybe with all of the walking around, I stand a chance.  We shall see!

Rewards System

So, I promised I would elaborate on our rewards system.  We talked about it at length and came up with something that worked for us.  Financially, we were shaky about whether or not we could swing this, but it's important that we follow through or we might risk feeling de-motivated over time.  That being said, here are the rules my boyfriend and I agreed upon:

$5/day if both work out for half an hour
$5/week for both taking measurements and pictures on Monday
$5/week for both not drinking soda at all between Monday & Friday
$5/week for both not paying for food/snacks out between Monday & Friday
$1/day for both walking 10,000 a day
$5/week for both counting all calories between Monday & Friday

If we have a perfect week, we should earn $10/day or $50 total fun budget for the week.  That money is banked and only cashed in when we reach certain weight goals together.

If my boyfriend weighs 270, and I weigh 230 we splurge for the Fitbit Aria Scale.

If my boyfriend weighs 260 and I weigh 222, we get a "spa day", including but not limited to a couple's massage, manicures and pedicures (although he hates the sound filing nails makes).

If my boyfriend weighs 250 and I weigh 214, we splurge on new workout wardrobe (right now we're just pulling together odds and ends).

If my boyfriend weighs 240 and I weigh 206, we spend a day out in Fingerlakes wine country with a bed & breakfast stay.

If my boyfriend weighs 230 and I weigh 198, we really spurge on a spa day at the local casino resort.

We haven't yet figured out a suitable reward for 220/190.  Any suggestions?

If my boyfriend weighs 210 and I weigh 198, we go skydiving!  How exciting!

If my boyfriend weighs 200 and I weigh 174, we figure it'll be time to refresh the workout wardrobe again.

Finally, our goal weight: 190 for my boyfriend, 170 for me.  We plan to completely refresh our wardrobe by adding up all of the money we earned up to that point so, say it takes a year for the sake of simplicity, and we are basically perfect for that entire time.  That would be a total of $2600, or $1300 each to go shopping with.

Any money left over from our rewards stays in the fun budget for later use.  We never use the fun budget unless it's something for both of us that we both agreed on.

So that's the plan so far.  We'll probably adjust and reassess as we go, but so far this is what we think will work for us.

You're Pretty, But...

I think I started noticing this when I went to Korea.  You see, from my experience, Korean folks don't really have a "polite" filter as us Americans understand it -- at least when it comes to appearance.  "She's so pretty with her pale skin and big eyes," said my family when I went over for a visit in 2004, "but she needs to lose weight."  Rude, right?  Well, not to them.  It would be cruel to be dishonest about it.  Ever since then, I feel like when people tell me, "You're pretty!" there's also a politely silent "but..."  Maybe I'm being paranoid.  But I don't want to be pretty BUT.  I mean, I'm not so hung up on being pretty, but being pretty BUT is just... painful.  Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Got my steps.  Got my workout. Stayed within my eating plan.  We earned nine dollars a day for five days, meaning we now have $45 in our fun budget.  Maybe I'll elaborate on the exact plan tomorrow, since we take the weekend off.

Food Log:

Breakfast - Three eggs over hard with a 1/2 tablespoon of butter and 1 1/2 cups of milk = 457 Cal

Lunch - Progresso Light Potato Soup with Bacon and Cheese and a banana= 305 Cal

Dinner - Wendy's Ultimate Chicken Grill Sandwich = 390 Cal

Snacks - Little Ceaser's cheesy bread stick and Dunkin Donuts Mint Hot Chocolate = 350 Cal

Total:  1,502 Cal 174 Carb 57 Fat 78 Protein 3,265 Salt 57 Sugar

Over on sugar because of the mint hot chocolate (worth it! - I got so much paperwork done after that), and over on sodium because apparently Progresso Light soups ain't light on the salt.  Damn.

Fluxuation

So, five pounds in two days is a bit extreme.  I'm actually relieved that the number on the scale went up by a pound and a half this morning.  No regrets.  I felt good last night making myself and my boyfriend a good dinner.  Our plan is to let go of our plan a bit on the weekends, though not to go buck wild, so the moment of truth will be Monday when I weigh in.  I'm guessing that overall, I'll have lost 3 lbs and an inch or two.

Did some bench lifting in the morning, and attended another Zumba class though I gave it less effort than last time because HOLY GOD I CAN NOT BOUNCE ON MY TIPPY TOES FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT.  I still think it's a fun way to get all of my steps in, though, which I was successful in doing for the fourth day in a row.

I also attended my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting because what makes this time different than the hundreds of other times I tried to get my eating under control only to fail less than a month later?  I think the secret is support, be it twelve-step, friends, or fellow life-changers.  I cried.  I'm a cryer.  But I cried because I finally put the pieces together: the reason that I'm terrified of dying because of my disordered eating is because it's what killed my ahjashi.  It's a Korean term -- basically, this man was like a father to me.  His disordered eating led to heart problems, then multiple surgeries, and then he never woke up from a surgery.  It didn't have to happen that way.  He could have still had more time with his grand kids.  It doesn't have to be that way for me.  I could watch my theoretical grandkids grow up.

Food log!:

Breakfast - Three eggs with a half a tablespoon of butter and a cup of skim milk = 374 Cal

Lunch - Wendy's Ultimate Chicken Grill = Yum! = 390 Cal

Dinner - Spicy chicken pasta leftovers = 611 Cal

Snacks - A banana and an apple = 160 Cal

Total: 1,535 Cal 180 Carbs 44 Fat 94 Protein 1,595 Salt 51 Sugar

And not over on a single stat!  WOO!

Goodbye Holiday Weight!

So, I said goodbye to probably the last chunk of my holiday weight this morning when the scale read 237.5.  Woot!  Now... I'm back to square one.  At least I'm not behind the eight ball any more.  Insert another catchy saying.

Despite feeling pretty sore where my thigh joins my hips (probaby from all of the squat moves in the Zumba class I took), I tried running this morning, and let me tell you, 6.0 is NOT my speed on the treadmill.  I'mma cruise on my 5.0 for now, thank you very much.  I could only sustain 6.0 for about 2 minutes max.  Yeah, gonna have to train up to that.  Starting up C25K again.  Maybe this time I'll actually complete it.

Anyway, the day was very busy and had me running around everywhere so between my morning run and my job, I racked up 10,000 steps before I got home, and then I got the bug to clean, so I got up over 12,000.  Woot!  I also didn't have a lot of down time to snack, so that left plenty of room for a REAL dinner.

FOOD LOG!:

Breakfast: Three eggs with a half a tablespoon of butter and 1 cup of skim milk = 374 Cal

Lunch: Tuna with mayo, also an apple = 250 Cal

Dinner: My famous spicy chicken pasta, a glass of apple juice = 776 Cal

Snacks: Two string cheese = 140 Cal

Total: 1,540 Cal 170 Carb 53 Fat 97 Protein 1,637 Salt 69 Sugar

And according to MyFitnessPall, I was only over on sugar today!  Not bad!  Aaahhh!

I'm kind of excited to step on the scale tomorrow, but I'm also aware that I had a heavy dinner and so that might not work in my favor.  We shall see!

Day Two

I woke up more motivated than ever.  When I hopped up on the scale just to check my progress, it read 239.5.  Well, that's a relief.  1.) I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, and 2.) Most of the weight that came on suddenly is, in fact, holiday weight that will leave quickly.  When I get through the first ten pounds or so, that's when the real work will begin.

Kicked off the day by doing bench lifting exercises in the 5x5 program.  Today was squats, bench press, and pendlay rows.  I definitely feel it with an extra 45-65 pounds clutched to my chest.  It was a good workout, though.

Speaking of good workout, I also took my first Zumba class today.  HO LAWDY was that lady not messing around.  She refused to stop for the whole hour.  I could barely get a mouthful of water in between songs.  I think I'll go back.  It was fun, the hour went by quickly, and it helped me get all of my steps for the day.

Now, for the food report.  I did have two extra string cheese last night because -- and this is hard for me to come to terms to -- it doesn't matter to me that I'm full.  I eat because I can, probably to address uncomfortable feelings.  To that end, I plan to attend an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and look into Weight Watchers.  I will also budget in an individual therapist soon.  Anyway, food report:

Breakfast - Three eggs with a half a tablespoon of butter and 1 1/2 cups of skim milk = 416 Cal

Lunch - Tuna with light mayo, a banana, and an apple = 355 Cal

Dinner - Wendy's Spicy Chicken 1/2 Salad, no Dressing = 440 Cal

Snacks - 2 String Cheese, a handful of almonds = 310 Cal

Total: 1,521 Cal 112 Carb 80 Fat 95 Protein 2,332 Salt 48 Sugar

I didn't feel deprived at any point during the day.  In fact, I almost forgot I still had an apple to snack on on the way back home.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't love to snack on something salty right now, but it's not because I'm hungry.

Another day well done.  Wouldn't be surprised if I hopped on the scale tomorrow and I lose another 1.5 lbs, because I'm pretty sure that's what I packed on because of my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, which disguises my disordered eating in the tradition of eating until you're about to burst.

I feel a headache coming on for some reason... bleh.  Time to curl up and wish it away.

Tracking

So, end of day one of my new journey, my new life.  You can see what food I tracked at MyFitnessPal.  My username is NoMereButterfly.  Just in case that doesn't work, though, here's the skinny:

Breakfast - Two eggs with a half a tablespoon of butter and two cups of apple juice (because we only had enough milk for one, and I gave it to my boyfriend) = 431 Cal

Lunch - Garden Salad with Tuna, no dressing = 535 Cal

Dinner - Salad from the gas station, two bananas, and a cheese stick = 560 Cal

Day's totals: 1526 Cal, 174 Carb, 43 Fat, 34 Protein, 1293 Salt, 90 Sugar

Not perfect, but the grocery shopping can't happen until both my boyfriend and I get paid on Friday.  I think this isn't bad for just winging it today.  Again, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR TIPS AND TRICKS AND HAVE NO ROOM FOR YOUR CRITICISM OR JUDGEMENT.

For weighing in and measuring myself today, we earned $1, and then I earned another for abstaining from soda.  I also earned an additional $1 for doing 10,000 steps, and one more for tracking my food (although that's contingent on my boyfriend doing the same).  Because I ate out, I didn't earn that dollar, and I didn't "work out" for thirty minutes today, causing me to lose out on that $5.  Day's total = $4.  My boyfriend can probably earn us 8, all told.  I'll get more in detail about the actual plan later.  Right now, I think I've earned some internet show catch-up time.

Day One

So, I'm really putting it out there.  I'm at an all-time low health and weight-wise.  My boyfriend's aunt let us borrow a high-end scale of hers and I jumped on it this morning after five days of holiday gorging and the number read... 243.  I get a lump in my throat every time I think about that number.  That's bad.  That's just unacceptable.  At best, I'm 5' 7 1/2''.  The scale estimated that I'm at 50% body fat.  I don't even... UGH.  So, here it is, all out in the open.  I have GOT to stop playing around with this or I'm going to end up dead sooner rather than later and with a whole slew of health problems leading up to that.  THIS IS NOT OKAY.

So, my boyfriend and I have come up with a reward system, allowing us to earn roughly $10/day in "fun budget" to be cashed out at various weight goals.  There are some bonuses involved, and an ultimate payoff.  I don't want to get into specifics right this second.  While I'm on the topic of things I don't want, let me make this clear:

I DO NOT WANT YOUR TIPS AND ADVICE!

Now, that sounds harsh, but trust me, I've heard it all before.  I know it's simple.  I know it's intuitive.  I know that I should have more of this and less of this and less stuff overall.  Avoid processed junk, stay whole and natural, don't eat white stuff, blah blah blah.  I KNOW.  I swear to god, if I see one comment to the effect of, "Well, ACTUALLY, you could try... it would work if... what I did was... I think you're doing it all wrong..." it gets deleted.  Period.  Done.  This is MY journey.  This is personal.  It starts today.  I could use some support, though.  I could use A LOT of support, actually.  Here it goes.