Hunger

I thought about the above image this past week while I was talking to someone about what makes them cranky.  They weren't getting enough sleep and got cranky and had a bad day at school.  I get cranky when I'm hungry.  I realized that this is another aspect of my success: I'm addressing my hunger.

First of all, all of my meals are filling and healthy so that I can have large portions that satisfy.  This largely keeps hunger at bay, which largely keeps cravings in check, which largely keeps me in a good mood.  God, I can be such a witch when I'm hungry.  Just to divert into a story for a minute, I think the best example was on a Sunday post-LARP.  Now, I tend not to eat until we gather at a diner at about noon time.  Big trouble.  This particular time, we were also trying to do a video project that ran long, and we had planned to film part of it in the diner.  That didn't really work out for PR reasons.  When my boyfriend turned to me and asked me what I wanted to do, I distinctly remember snapping and saying,  "I just... I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY AND I WANT TO EAT!"  I knew I was wrong for being upset, because it really wasn't anyone's fault, but people seemed to understand.  A friend hugged me and told my boyfriend, "Get this girl something to eat."  We got burgers and french fries at a drive-through, and I felt instantly better.  You can not keep me hungry and expect me to be civil.  It doesn't work that way.  Moving on...

Second of all, I snack on what I crave for including salty nuts, chocolate, salty and crunchies, and cheese.  Is it healthy?  Probably not, but the fact that my smallest portions are the things I really want help me stick to my overall plan.

Finally, my mother was wrong.  She once told me that for a diet to work, you have to be a little bit hungry all of the time.  Uuuhhh, no.  Not for me, ma.  Sorry.  I know me.  When I'm hungry, it's time to look for a snack, and not necessarily a healthy one.  What I'm saying is, know yourself and work that into your plan.  I don't want to hear you nay-sayers talk to me about how this is unhealthy, won't work in the long run, etc.  This is how I've got to do it.  You go on doing what you got to do.

"Worthy of Love"

For me, and I'm sure for a lot of other people, losing weight is not just a physical journey.  This past week I experienced some breakthroughs in therapy that were painful but also enlightening.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I've been through some pretty traumatizing stuff as a kid, but I don't let it dictate the kind of adult I want to be.  Part of my weight problem is an image problem.  Part of my image problem is a self-esteem problem.  Part of my self-esteem problem comes from a basic belief that I am not loveable.

I looked up the meaning of my name when I was little and I got both "loveable" and "worthy of love" from the Latin "ama" or "to love."  It felt like a cruel joke, that that was the meaning of my name.  From a very young age, I never felt like I was loved.  That just wasn't in my family's vocabulary.  My mom showed love by always having something to eat.  No matter how busy she was, how angry, whatever, there was always food.  However, that didn't make me feel loved.

To this day, despite years of working at it in and out of therapy, there is still a part of me that's not convinced I'm loved.  I have friends, some very long-standing ones, but I still have trouble believing these people actually like me.  Sometimes I feel like all anyone really likes is the carefully constructed facade that I've convinced everyone is the real me.  "So what?" some of you might say, "Aren't we all careful about the way we present ourselves to people?"  Perhaps, but it goes deeper than that.  In the past week, I had been feeling insecure and overwhelmed by the thought that even my boyfriend doesn't really love me.  Now, I can't tell you how absurd this idea is, or how unfair it is for me to even think that about the man I love, who is also crazy about me, but this isn't a rational thought and rationalizing it doesn't make it go away.

This is why my attempts at weight loss have failed before.  How in the world was I supposed to think I was worth the effort if I didn't even think I was worthy of love or the least bit loveable?  This is the thought that could unravel everything and make sure I fail again.  Not this time.  I have a boyfriend who does love me and supports me and inspires me.  I have friends who do love me for who I am, and not who I think I'm pretending to be.  I have supporters everywhere in my life who like me enough to encourage and compliment me.  I'm a good person.  I'm a hard-working person.  I deserve to be a healthy person.

I am loved.

30 Pounds Gone and Inspiration

My waist measurement is getting smaller.  My chest, too.  Clearly I'm losing some in my hips and thighs as well.  I was hoping to be out of the 200s by nowish, but every pound is a challenge now.  Still, officially thirty pounds down.  Feeling great.

Exercise is getting easier -- namely running.  I'm trying to work up to 30 minutes at 5.0, which is no small feat for a girl who finds running quite challenging.  Ultimately, I'd like to get to 6.0 and higher.  With every pound lost, that goal becomes more and more realistic and -- dare I say it? -- easy.

The newest struggle I've come across is thinking about the old me -- me in November and December.  Me a year ago, even.  I look at old pictures and I feel... awful.  I don't ever want to go back there.  My progress is enough to inspire me to keep going, but when there's the occasional comment of, "You look MUCH better than you did before"... I don't know.  I guess I just feel sorry for old me, fat Amanda.  I liked me.  I worked really hard to like me, even though many people tried very hard to get me to hate me.  I very much enjoy who I am now.  I'm healthier, have more energy, and I'm more happy.  So, does old Amanda have to be put down like that?  I guess I'm worried about what happens when I plateau for a long time, and I'm stuck being "just okay."  I hate failure.  I'm not sure why I'm having difficulty with this.  Maybe I just need more time to settle into me and accept that this is who I am now.

What's nice is that my change seems to have inspired a lot of people I know to get more serious about what they've got to do for their health.  It's nice to hear.  I never thought I'd be an inspiration of any sort, let alone a weight loss inspiration.  I plan to check in with picture progress again when I'm officially below 200.  That could take another 5-6 weeks.  Who knows?  Maybe longer.  I am proud of my work, though, and I will continue working.  By the holidays next year, I'll be ridiculously "better" than before.  I might even be okay with that.