When I would pray to God, back when I still believed, I would cry as I prayed for him to make me happy. I just wanted to be happy. "Please, God," I'd pray and sob, "I'll do anything. I'll do anything. Please just make me happy."
The first time I can remember being depressed I was 12 or 13 years old. I stayed in bed a lot in those days, and no one seemed to notice. When it was safe and my mom wasn't home, I'd cry and beg some unseen force to bring me happiness. "I just want to be happy. Please. Please let me be happy. Please."
I'd hold my breath through tunnels and make myself dizzy, wishing the whole time, "I just want to be happy, I just want to be happy, I just want to be happy..."
Every shooting star, every wishing well, every dandelion seed blown into the wind, my one and only wish throughout my life was to obtain happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I've been happy. You've all seen me beaming and laughing, dancing and singing, declaring how much I love my life - but true happiness? I don't think my brain will let me have that or keep it. I keep wishing for a thing I can't have. I guess that's the nature of wishing.
I can settle for contentment, I guess. I have that, for sure, most days. I feel true peace at times. My favorite time is when I have my head on my husband's chest and I can hear his heart beating and nothing else matters for a few precious minutes. That's total contentment for me.
Still, I don't know if I will ever stop wishing for happiness. I'll rub every wish-fulfilling statue and pray to any god that will listen and keep wishing to be happy.
