Progress

Different kinds of progress this week. So far I've lost 6 pounds since the beginning of the month. I like my chances of winning the challenge for weightloss. Yeah, I'm a bit hungry, but it's definitely manageable. I've rewarded myself with a couple of Girl Scout cookies at the end of good eating days and I even had half of a fast food meal. My therapist suggested that as a compromise because my husband and I eat out a lot and like to eat out a lot, so we simply share a meal.

I've been drinking a protein smoothie in the morning, sticking to my batch-made meals, and healthy snacking when the hunger got to rumbly territory. The water weight is just falling right off, which is nice. I have returned to my former highest weight (about 243.5 lbs.) and I can really see myself making major progress by the end of the month.

As always, I've also taken this opportunity to think about my psychological health. I continue to take my anti-depressant, but I know there are some deep-seated issues to work on. This week the subject of my fierce independence has come up. In the past, I've been weak and helpless to the bigger, more powerful people around me. I grew into a young adult who was constantly looking for validation and advice. When I finally got myself into therapy and then found a loving and supportive relationship, I made a decision: never again. I will never be that weak again. I will never be that dependent again. I will never be that weak again.

This manifested itself this week in a misunderstanding between myself and a friend who was trying to offer me advice that I didn't ask for. In my response, I was simply letting him know that when I need advice, I ask for it, but most of the time I just need validation. As with most text-based communication, my tone and intention was lost. It was unpleasant. I don't think I was wrong, but I do think some of my response is based on this hangup I have about where I've come from. I don't want anyone to treat me like a idiot, like a weakling, like lesser than them. The problem with this is that I can be overly protective and end up shutting people out. For some people, giving advice is the way they give love. Still, I need them to know that this is not the way I prefer to receive love and share how I do like to receive it: validation, support, hugs, kisses, coffee dates, movie dates, and thoughtful messages.

So yeah, progress made on at least two different fronts. Keeping the progress train moving.

Challenge

I've been going to the gym at least three times per week since we got back from our honeymoon around November. It's been great. It's really helped my stress, depression, anxiety, and general frustrations of everyday living. What's more, it's just become a part of my day. At one point my husband asked me, "How are you feeling about working out so often?" and I responded that I didn't really feel much about it. It was just a habit now, a part of my day. I go to work, I leave at noon, I work out, rinse off, and come back. It's a real no-brainer for the girl who has a hard time getting up in the morning in the winter and can't will herself to leave the house after returning from work.

The only problem with all of this is that it hasn't stopped me from eating like a monster. My weight has crept up into the 250s, which is of course an all-time high for me. My engagement ring is uncomfortably tight. Maybe part of it is the anti-depressant I'm taking (which is working well, by the way), but my eating is definitely out of control. My husband has asked me a few times if I'm motivated to lose weight and the answer has been no. Would I like to be healthier? Yes. Would I like to wear my engagement ring comfortably again? Yes. Am I motivated enough to deny my food cravings? Nope.

So, today during R.I.P.P.E.D. class, my trainer said this month they'll be doing essentially a "Biggest Loser" challenge. You pay in $50, top 3 get the cash. They're already up to $600. Okay. This might be the thing I need to get me motivated. Here's what I'm willing to do:

1. Commit to eating prepared meals and shakes at least 90% of the week.
2. Work out 4-7 times per week between classes and personal workout sessions.
3. Limit my snacking to healthy options.
4. Limit my indulgences to measured, logged foods.
5. Log my food.
6. Wear my FitBit again.
7. Optional: After daylight savings time, run 3 times per week.

As always, I'm not looking for your advice based on this article you read or this thing you heard. Some support is always welcome. Wish me luck!