"Worthy of Love"

For me, and I'm sure for a lot of other people, losing weight is not just a physical journey.  This past week I experienced some breakthroughs in therapy that were painful but also enlightening.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I've been through some pretty traumatizing stuff as a kid, but I don't let it dictate the kind of adult I want to be.  Part of my weight problem is an image problem.  Part of my image problem is a self-esteem problem.  Part of my self-esteem problem comes from a basic belief that I am not loveable.

I looked up the meaning of my name when I was little and I got both "loveable" and "worthy of love" from the Latin "ama" or "to love."  It felt like a cruel joke, that that was the meaning of my name.  From a very young age, I never felt like I was loved.  That just wasn't in my family's vocabulary.  My mom showed love by always having something to eat.  No matter how busy she was, how angry, whatever, there was always food.  However, that didn't make me feel loved.

To this day, despite years of working at it in and out of therapy, there is still a part of me that's not convinced I'm loved.  I have friends, some very long-standing ones, but I still have trouble believing these people actually like me.  Sometimes I feel like all anyone really likes is the carefully constructed facade that I've convinced everyone is the real me.  "So what?" some of you might say, "Aren't we all careful about the way we present ourselves to people?"  Perhaps, but it goes deeper than that.  In the past week, I had been feeling insecure and overwhelmed by the thought that even my boyfriend doesn't really love me.  Now, I can't tell you how absurd this idea is, or how unfair it is for me to even think that about the man I love, who is also crazy about me, but this isn't a rational thought and rationalizing it doesn't make it go away.

This is why my attempts at weight loss have failed before.  How in the world was I supposed to think I was worth the effort if I didn't even think I was worthy of love or the least bit loveable?  This is the thought that could unravel everything and make sure I fail again.  Not this time.  I have a boyfriend who does love me and supports me and inspires me.  I have friends who do love me for who I am, and not who I think I'm pretending to be.  I have supporters everywhere in my life who like me enough to encourage and compliment me.  I'm a good person.  I'm a hard-working person.  I deserve to be a healthy person.

I am loved.