Try

So, this feeling has been building for weeks - I guess two weeks, since my weigh-in post/confessional.  Since that time, I've been getting a lot of positive feedback about my looks, my accomplishments, and me as a person.  I was also exposed to the above video and an accompanying interview where Colbie Caillat said exactly how I feel, that though I sometimes like to make myself up there is also immense pressure as a woman to look a certain way instead of just the way you are.

I'm used to the compliments, especially when I put more effort into doing my hair or applying my makeup.  People will often say, "You look nice today."  That was always easy to accept.  I mean, of course I look nice today.  I spent two hours meticulously coiffing and applying.  However, self-image and I have done a tango for most of my life so it can sometimes be harder to accept the compliments when I haven't put the effort in, like I didn't earn it.  You think I'm pretty when I haven't put the effort in?  You must be trying to be nice and polite, so thank you anyway.

I acknowledge that perhaps it's probably perspective that makes me think that I've received a lot of compliments lately.  What I mean is, because I'm happy and feeling confident and feeling healthy and overall just good, I'm more likely to notice and internalize the positive feedback.  (Okay, therapist, take it down a notch.)

Anyway, a friend of mine tagged me in a Facebook game to post five pictures that make me feel beautiful and I was kind of upset that in almost all of the pictures, I was really done up.  Another friend of mine, Jenica, once told me, "You have the most remarkable eyes."  This weekend, a guy friend of mine described me to a third party as "hot."  That last one makes my skin crawl a little, because internally I'm panicking like, "I'm not hot!  Don't tell people I'm hot!  They'll be so disappointed!"  But, yeah.  I'm good at calming my inner spaz at the moment.

The point is, I really like to get dolled up.  I do.  I am also working on really liking who I am and accepting my beauty when I haven't made the effort at all.  My wonderful fiancé has never and will never stop gushing about how beautiful I am, and I want to truly own that.  I also think that the energy I'm putting out there in the universe is attracting a lot of positive reinforcement from the females in my life, too.  They like my no makeup selfies and my five "beautiful" images, and I love that about my friends.

This journey is not about weightloss any more.  It's about doubt-loss.  It's about fear-loss.  It's about the loss of the limitations that have been imposed upon me, as well as those that have been self-imposed.  I'm so excited!