Hard to Love

Yesterday was a hard day. It was midnight or close to it when my husband and I had a hard discussion about weight loss while lying in bed in the dark and getting ready to sleep. I got defensive and angry about it, and I was transparent about what I was feeling and why even though I didn't want to. I wanted to ignore the conversation and go to sleep, but I forced myself to express myself. At some point toward the end of the conversation he said something like, "You know I love you, right?" I didn't answer right away. I let silence linger there for a few moments while a whole bunch of thoughts flashed through my brain. You know, the same old tapes, "He's just saying that because he feels bad", "He'll change his mind one day", "He doesn't really love you", etc. I finally answered, "Yes" and that's the truth because I do know. I am not my thoughts.

Here's the thing, though. I feel like I'm incredibly hard to love. I can be distant and spaced out, and then intense and all-consuming. I give everything I have to people in need and then I don't have anything left for the people I love. I don't have mastery over my feelings. Let's not forget that I have depression, which just adds a whole bunch of fun stuff to the mix. Man, I could really compile a pretty extensive list of reasons I'm hard to love.

I wrote an entry about how I struggled with the concept that I was worthy of love at all here.

Anyway, yesterday was hard. I got majorly triggered by an incident of child abuse I had to deal with and... that's my shit right there. I can't. I just can't deal with it. I'm sure I'm better at it now than I've ever been but I'm still embarrassed and ashamed that I can't always control myself when it comes to this subject. Of course I know this is absurd. Pretty much no one has perfect mastery over their feelings, and I wouldn't expect that of anyone else. It just is what it is, and for some reason I believe that makes me hard to love.

I'm sure I'm wrong. I'm currently trying to compile a list of reasons I'm easy to love but I can feel my brain resisting this thought exercise. I'll keep trying, though.