Remission

The scariest part of getting better is remembering all of the other times you got better before and how bitter you felt when it went away again. I once had a two-week remission from my depression. I can't explain what happened, and for people who don't know what it's like it might be hard to understand, but I was just, without explanation, free from all of my depressive symptoms for two glorious weeks. I was productive, happy, and the tapes in my head were mysteriously not present. This has happened exactly once in my life. Besides that, I've had a couple of good days to string together, but basically I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.

Recently my brain decided to get over my most recent trauma and I've been much happier since. Even while I watch the people I love struggling, my brain has managed to stay afloat. I'm productive, calm, happy, and I can even relax (no small feat for a deeply traumatized person who carries the trauma in their body in the form of low-key tension so bad that every professional that's ever done muscle work on me is alarmed). I've had much less hours at work, a bounty of new clients to work with, time with my husband, and time for self-care. It feels nice to be able to do my hair and makeup more often now. It's how I do some of my self-care. I've also continued therapy, done my affirmations more mornings than not, journaled a bit, got a professional reiki session, and attended a meditation class. EMDR sessions start in November. I'm hopeful, but cautiously so.

A lot has changed about my life recently, and the brain likes novelty, so it's probably giving me an extra dose of feel-good chemicals that I don't usually get because, you know, depression. This isn't like that one remission I had before. That felt like a whole different level of great. Still, I wonder and fear how long this will last. I hope this is just the way life is right now, and not just another remission, but I know better than that.