I Want To Die

I've been intensely suicidal since Thursday without much interruption, and I expect that at least a few people reading this will be super concerned and wonder what to do about it but I want to explain that it's not always that serious. I can only speak for myself, naturally, but I find many people misunderstand suicidal ideation. Mine kind of comes in levels. Let me explain.

Level 1: Where the fuck did that come from?

I could be doing anything, be anywhere, in any kind of mood and my brain will insert the thought, "I want to die" right into my stream of consciousness. What? Why? I'm sitting in my doctor's office right now. And like, not even the right kind. The vagina doctor. Now? Why now? Or, I'm out with my friends. I don't have time for this. Or more often I'm driving and spacing out. Now's not a good time for this, brain. It leaves as quickly as it came.

Level 2: Incessant, dispassionate chanting

This is an obvious step up from the first level. Instead of a single thought, it's like a chant from a dispassionate protester who's not entirely sure why they're even at the rally. That rally is in my head, and it's about me dying for some reason. The thoughts aren't completely clear on the why, but they brought a spiffy sign. It's annoying more than anything.

Level 3: Paralyzed

The thoughts have stepped it up and now I'm trapped in bed or some other place, not moving, because it's so bad that I don't really have the energy to even roll over without considering it for a while. I'm doing everything I can without moving to stay alive. I've let my arm get painfully numb. I've let my stomach cramp from hunger. I've let my tongue swell in my mouth from dehydration. But I'm alive.

Level 4: 123GO, 123GO, 123GO!!!

I've stepped over the threshold. My thoughts, no longer content with sitting back passively, have now taken the steering wheel both literally and figuratively and start to drive my actions to end it. I've nearly crashed my car, took pills, cut, or drowned myself. I haven't actually done any of those things. Not ever.

I imagine there is a level 5, and that's when I'll actually try, but I've worked like hell to keep from going there. I'm not so naive as to think it will never be a part of my repertoire. So where have I been since Thursday? Started at a 2, then jumped to 4, back down to 3, then 2 to finish out work on Friday. Stayed that way until all of Sunday where it was a mix of 2, 3, and 4 and this morning I was a mix of 3 and 4. My med doc wanted me to go inpatient. I probably should have. I'm scared. I'm managing.