The 4-Year-Old and 14-Year-Old

I've been in therapy for over nine years at this point, and I've been taking medication for about 3-4 years. In that time, I've gone through a few phases in my treatment, including integrating Internal Family Systems theory into my understanding of my illnesses. Here is a Wikipedia article if you're curious about the details, but basically I've identified two discrete personalities that exist within me and I carry with me in my daily life. They are a four-year-old version of myself, and a 14-year-old version of myself.

Amanda, roughly age 4.

The four-year-old is very small and meek. They hide a lot, usually in darker rooms dimly lit by yellow light. They're scared all of the time, and braced for pain. They need a lot of love and attention because it was suddenly ripped away from them when my father left and my mom stopped being so loving and nurturing and became drunk and violent. This one brings me great sadness. I love children, and my first instinct is to protect them and love them.

Amanda, roughly age 14.

The fourteen-year-old on the other hand is very dark and angry. I see them standing in the doorway of my childhood bedroom glaring out into the hallway at me, the adult version of myself. They don't trust me and their reaction to everything is anger. This is the age my mother says she can remember me spending a lot of time in my room and gaining a lot of weight. This is likely when my trauma turned into my severe depressive disorder. They yell and lash out and won't let anyone in to comfort them.

These two parts of my personality come up usually at different times. The four-year-old likes to be impulsive and wants what they want, and they want it now. The fourteen-year-old usually comes out when I've been hurt by someone. They are the "anger problem" part of me. They can be very mean, even dangerous and destructive.

A long time ago in my work I went through a meditative journey of creating a safe space in my head. It came to my mind's eye as an idyllic beach, and on this beach I put the four-year-old for safe-keeping. As I said, my instinct is to protect them so this seemed like a good place to keep them safe. It was a really emotional experience for me to imagine myself holding the four-year-old version of myself on my lap and playing in the sand. I always wanted that from my mom, but she was not the most affectionate or emotionally demonstrative person and I very much was. She couldn't understand me or give me what I needed, so I knew that it was my job as an adult now to do it for myself.

However, I never brought the 14-year-old in. I kept them out. I think back then I was still afraid of them, their raw anger, and worried that they could destroy my safe place somehow, or harm the 4-year-old. Thinking about it now makes me sad. I know now that they're not actually dangerous. They exude that energy because they want to protect themselves from the pain of abandonment, rejection, and and judgement from others. I closed the door on them because like most people I misunderstood them.

Today I had my 5th reiki session and it felt really good. I entered a space of kind of buzzy energy throughout my body and decided to do something different this time and enter my safe space, only this time I invited the 14-year-old in. Admittedly, I was worried. They can lash out and I didn't want them to harm or scare the skittish 4-year-old, but they didn't. I could feel them get impatient and angry but I somehow forgot that even back then I loved children and had an abundance of patience for them (excluding my little brother). I mostly stood back once I realized I could trust the 14-year-old and watched them play in the sand together and wade in the water together. They protected and kept the 4-year-old just as safe as the adult version of myself does. It felt good to see that in my mind's eye. I felt whole.

I think it's safe to say I'm on my way towards healing and acceptance of self.