"Irritatingly Pretty"

So, the last couple of weeks have done wonders for my self-esteem.  As I crawl little by little to the thirty-pound-loss mark, people are starting to notice the change and I'm getting a lot of great compliments.  My boyfriend and I attended a party where I wore an outfit that showed off my loss.  Ho, boy.  I couldn't take two steps without tripping over a compliment (or a request to show more).

Then last week a friend of mine offered an unsolicited compliment that really got me thinking.  I was asking another friend for advice on whether or not to dye my hair, which this other guy was adamantly against.  When I asked why, he said, "You're... irritatingly pretty" and basically, I shouldn't mess with a good thing.  What struck me in thinking about what he said since then is that people have been telling me some variation of that my entire life.  Remember my "You're pretty, but..." entry?  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that people have always noticed that I'm attractive.  It's just so hard to internalize with the messages I've received since... well, forever, about how I'm supposed to look.  Being the only Asian kid in a mostly white community (and, seriously, I'm only half) makes you look different already, but I can remember my mother telling me I was fat when I was eight years old.  EIGHT.

Here's a picture of my brother (left) and me (right) around that time, in case you were curious.

Then you got your routine bombardment of impossibly thin and flawless girls plastered all over all kinds of media as if other body types don't exist and, well, I thought it was a miracle that I even accepted, "Yeah, I'm unremarkably cute... but not pretty" up to this point.

What's more, my beauty isn't tied to my weight loss.  My health is, and not just my physical health.  My mental and emotional health have improved and will continue to improve, which is what I think is the big difference in these past weeks.  People haven't been complimenting me too much more than they have in the past, but now I'm just more ready to hear it and more able to internalize it.  It's a daily struggle, accepting the fact that yes, I am pretty even though no, I don't look the way others have told me I'm supposed to look.

I struggled with writing this entry for a solid week, maybe more.  It feels embarrassing to write about your own beauty, to really own it.  It feels unnatural.  So, I'm writing it now because, well, I deserve this.  Screw everyone who thinks I'm cocky and delusional and wrong.  I know me.  I am pretty.  I am beautiful.  I accept this.