Good Day/Bad Day

The wind has been knocked out of my sails.  It's annoying.  It's aggravating that it's annoying, because I know being annoyed about it won't help.  It's just that this is developing into a pattern.  I know it's mostly hormonal: the timing lines up, my body image is completely shot, I'm in mortal fear of stepping onto the scale, I'm craving and eating like crazy, and I'm exhausted.  Knowing the reason doesn't stop the feelings.  I wish it did.

I start out with really good days.  I'm getting stuff done, feeling energized and motivated, everything going my way, and then things happen toward the end of the day to wreck everything.  Last night it was two things.  As I stepped out of my therapist's office last night, I hit an invisible patch of ice and landed hard on my ass - and on my phone, which was in my jacket pocket.  The thing was shattered beyond repair.  Okay.  That's fine.  I dealt with it.  A new phone is being delivered to me today.  Done.

Then my mother called me in a tizzy.  She and my brother are fighting again.  I tried to remain removed from the situation, but my mom was so upset, yelling and crying, and I can't stand it when she's like that.  I was angry, sad, and scared.  I was also frustrated, because I'm happy.  I'm so happy.  I really am, but even a state away, I can be affected by my family's unhappiness.

I stopped my progress on the treadmill last night to make the call.  I cried, hugged it out with Alex, and then somehow finished up on the treadmill.  This morning, I couldn't do the run to the fullest extent I wanted.  I want to put some blame on my lack of sleep, but placing blame isn't helping me feel any better.

Maybe the pattern will discontinue soon.  I hope so.

I don't want to be at work today.  I want to take a mental health day, but I know I won't.  I'll just keep shuffling along, hoping today is a good day without the asterisk at the end.

I don't want to step on the scale.  I probably should.  Don't wanna.

I want to eat all of the things.  I want to buy all of the things I can't afford.  I want to be destructive in some way.  I want to curl up in bed and not face the day, just for today.

I feel like I should end with some summary point here.  But I don't feel like there really is a concise point that can capture how I'm feeling about things right now, so...

16/18 days working out this month.  Strong.  Doing it.