"You've Lost Weight!"

I went home for an extended weekend in order to observe my little brother's 24th birthday, and it was really great.  I had a really good time all weekend.  I was treated to a lot of fun and a lot of great experiences and insights throughout the weekend.

By far my favorite of these was the first words out of my mother's mouth as she greeted me at the door of her beautiful new home.  "You look like you've lost weight!" she said happily in her thick, Korean accent before giving me a hug.

I was thrown.  All I can remember about my mom's messages about me and my weight are negative, or at the very least back-handed compliments and mixed messages.  I can remember her telling me I was fat when I was 8 years old.  I can remember her telling me I need to stop eating so much while piling on the servings on my plate and then getting furious at me for daring to suggest that she ever forced me to eat when I didn't want to (she did at least once).  I remember when we visited Korea in 2004 and I had lost 10 pounds without even trying between actually good and wholesome meals and being very active the whole month in a foreign country.  My mom said, "That's good, but you have to keep it up."  I felt dejected.  I've always felt hopeless about my weight.  I felt like I've tried so many times before and I've failed, then this weekend she acknowledged my work without a side remark.  She saw me and she saw my work and she gave me praise.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.

I've been afraid to "check up" on my weight during the month because I'm always fearful of being discouraged in my journey.  What if I find that my indulgences pack on the weight despite the positive habits I've also incorporated?  Will I feel hopeless again?  Will I give up?  I want to step on that scale.  I want to know, but I'm afraid.

I keep telling myself, "This isn't about weight, remember?  This is about health!  You're healthier!  Who cares about weight?"  Maybe it's my hormones for this time of the month.  Maybe it's a lifetime of indoctrination to be obsessed about my weight.

My worth is not measured in pounds.  My worth is measured by the positivity I attract.

I just need to keep telling myself that.

Momma and me as a kidlet.