That's Not Bad (For A Girl)

I happened to be chatting with my ex, just catching up.  He was the kind of guy who was religious about the gym and getting fit.  That was his jam.  I thought, hey, since we don't have much in common any more, maybe I'll mention to him that I'm squatting 120 for five sets of five and keep moving up.  He'll get that.  His response?  "Hey, 120 isn't bad for a girl. :D"

Um, excuse me?  I get that everything is relative, and I was talking to a gymrat, but really?  Not bad for a girl?  I don't even know many guys who hit the barbell like I do.  I'm sure I could kick much ass challenging guys to barbell exercises.  My thighs and glutes are looking amazing, and I feel strong and capable.  And that's not bad for anyone, girl or boy.

As far as weight loss goes, it appears I'm officially out of the easy weight loss... maybe.  All week I barely eeked down the scale, but today I weighed in three pounds less than my Monday weigh-in.  Yay!  I think my body wasn't very happy with me for restricting calories, so after a few days of going over, I wake up with weight loss!  Hopefully with focus and discipline I can have that or better for Monday weigh-in after a weekend of birthday celebrations.  Wish me luck!

Loss

It's been a while since I blogged, probably because every time I think about writing this entry, I feel like crying... and then I go play video games instead.  Paper Mario understands my problems like no other.

Sometimes, violence IS the answer... especially if you have an absurdly sized hammer.

Anyway, to get personal for a moment, my grandmother had been struggling with cancer in her lymph nodes for some time now.  The lymph nodes are where you DON'T want cancer to spread.  It STARTED there.  According to our family in Korea, she was in some pain and couldn't eat.  My mom said something about her not making it to the end of the year, and... well, she didn't.  She passed away in her sleep on the 29th, never fully understanding what was happening to her.  She was a tough cookie, and thought she'd be going back to work soon.  That's right, my tiny 80-year-old arthritic grandmother was still doing farm work.  Tough gal.

I was doing pretty okay with the loss.  I'd only met my grandmother once that I can remember, but it was tough to see my mom go through her grief.  She's just as tough if not tougher than her mother, and so it's always hard to see her vulnerable and hurting.  I used this tough time as an excuse to drop out of everything, including eating well and exercising.  I know the sympathetic among you will say, "It's not an excuse.  You lost someone.  Give yourself a break."  Yeah, maybe, but there's always an excuse.

On the bright side, I didn't really gain any weight (unless you count the half a pound since the last official weigh-in, though I had put that on during a mid-week weigh-in).  I'm back on track now: 229.5.  I still have urges and cravings running rampant over my eating plan, but I'm still trying.  I'm hoping for three pounds this week, and I'm willing to really work hard to get it.  I come from a line of tough old ladies.  It would be a shame to break the trend now.

Noh Boon-Ok

Success & Disappointment

So I weighed in Monday, and the scale read 236.  The first thing I felt was disappointment, and then I felt silly.  I lost two pounds in a week!  That's good!  I just had my heart set on 235.  I had also lost a couple of inches overall.  Today I weighed in at 234.  Huzzah!  That's 9 pounds since Thanksgiving!  I'm getting into a phase where I'm not eating dinner, mostly because it doesn't feel needed when I get home and then shortly thereafter go to bed.  The result is a 1200-1300 calorie day.  This might change week to week.

A nice side benefit to being dedicated to this plan is that occasionally my boyfriend will drop down and do some shirtless push-ups.  Hell yeah.  Hey, men have been objectifying me since puberty.  It's my turn.  He got up to 20 push-ups in one set.  That's 20 more than I can do, I'm sure.  Maybe I'll work on that at some point.

For now I'm getting my steps in, tracking my food intake, and trying not to go crazy on the weekends.  Last week we earned upwards of $90 in additional fun budget.  This was due to having a perfect week ($50), a bonus for that perfect week ($10), and bonuses for keeping pounds and inches off from one week to the next.  Winning!

Still feeling really motivated, if still a bit prone to want to snack on something salty.  Onward!

Struggles

So, the blogs will be less frequent because five a week just isn't going to happen, but I feel like I have enough content from the week to talk about at this point.  Sticking with the plan is hard (duh, said anyone who's ever tried).  I had some days where I was constantly thinking about the food I wasn't eating.  I had another day where I ate half a bag of chips.  Why?  Because it was there.  Because I smelled it.  Because I'm a compulsive eater.

I played hooky from work on Tuesday (ate as planned, though) and work ran into Zumba today, so no Zumba at all for the week, but my steps have been good.  At least I went to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and I'm glad I did.  It feels really good to talk to people who experience the same feelings and impulses you do in order to convince yourself that no, you're not crazy and yes, there are others going through what you are so you don't have to go it alone.  We talked about the upcoming holidays and I feel less scared about the temptation.  I asked when this would get easier, and one of the leaders, who was also an alcoholic, suggested to think of it like being abstinent from drugs or alcohol -- 28 day rehab, and then the fog will lift.  So if I count my Wednesday chip binge, the fog will lift after January 3rd barring any further binges.  I just have to avoid the salty, crunchy stuff.  It is my crack.

Besides Wednesday, I've been staying in my calorie goal of 1500-1600.  Today I only had 1200.  I just didn't feel hungry, probably because I feel bad about my Wednesday night binge.  I lost 5 pounds last week, and I'm hoping for 3this week.  It's a LARP weekend so maybe with all of the walking around, I stand a chance.  We shall see!

Rewards System

So, I promised I would elaborate on our rewards system.  We talked about it at length and came up with something that worked for us.  Financially, we were shaky about whether or not we could swing this, but it's important that we follow through or we might risk feeling de-motivated over time.  That being said, here are the rules my boyfriend and I agreed upon:

$5/day if both work out for half an hour
$5/week for both taking measurements and pictures on Monday
$5/week for both not drinking soda at all between Monday & Friday
$5/week for both not paying for food/snacks out between Monday & Friday
$1/day for both walking 10,000 a day
$5/week for both counting all calories between Monday & Friday

If we have a perfect week, we should earn $10/day or $50 total fun budget for the week.  That money is banked and only cashed in when we reach certain weight goals together.

If my boyfriend weighs 270, and I weigh 230 we splurge for the Fitbit Aria Scale.

If my boyfriend weighs 260 and I weigh 222, we get a "spa day", including but not limited to a couple's massage, manicures and pedicures (although he hates the sound filing nails makes).

If my boyfriend weighs 250 and I weigh 214, we splurge on new workout wardrobe (right now we're just pulling together odds and ends).

If my boyfriend weighs 240 and I weigh 206, we spend a day out in Fingerlakes wine country with a bed & breakfast stay.

If my boyfriend weighs 230 and I weigh 198, we really spurge on a spa day at the local casino resort.

We haven't yet figured out a suitable reward for 220/190.  Any suggestions?

If my boyfriend weighs 210 and I weigh 198, we go skydiving!  How exciting!

If my boyfriend weighs 200 and I weigh 174, we figure it'll be time to refresh the workout wardrobe again.

Finally, our goal weight: 190 for my boyfriend, 170 for me.  We plan to completely refresh our wardrobe by adding up all of the money we earned up to that point so, say it takes a year for the sake of simplicity, and we are basically perfect for that entire time.  That would be a total of $2600, or $1300 each to go shopping with.

Any money left over from our rewards stays in the fun budget for later use.  We never use the fun budget unless it's something for both of us that we both agreed on.

So that's the plan so far.  We'll probably adjust and reassess as we go, but so far this is what we think will work for us.

You're Pretty, But...

I think I started noticing this when I went to Korea.  You see, from my experience, Korean folks don't really have a "polite" filter as us Americans understand it -- at least when it comes to appearance.  "She's so pretty with her pale skin and big eyes," said my family when I went over for a visit in 2004, "but she needs to lose weight."  Rude, right?  Well, not to them.  It would be cruel to be dishonest about it.  Ever since then, I feel like when people tell me, "You're pretty!" there's also a politely silent "but..."  Maybe I'm being paranoid.  But I don't want to be pretty BUT.  I mean, I'm not so hung up on being pretty, but being pretty BUT is just... painful.  Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Got my steps.  Got my workout. Stayed within my eating plan.  We earned nine dollars a day for five days, meaning we now have $45 in our fun budget.  Maybe I'll elaborate on the exact plan tomorrow, since we take the weekend off.

Food Log:

Breakfast - Three eggs over hard with a 1/2 tablespoon of butter and 1 1/2 cups of milk = 457 Cal

Lunch - Progresso Light Potato Soup with Bacon and Cheese and a banana= 305 Cal

Dinner - Wendy's Ultimate Chicken Grill Sandwich = 390 Cal

Snacks - Little Ceaser's cheesy bread stick and Dunkin Donuts Mint Hot Chocolate = 350 Cal

Total:  1,502 Cal 174 Carb 57 Fat 78 Protein 3,265 Salt 57 Sugar

Over on sugar because of the mint hot chocolate (worth it! - I got so much paperwork done after that), and over on sodium because apparently Progresso Light soups ain't light on the salt.  Damn.

Fluxuation

So, five pounds in two days is a bit extreme.  I'm actually relieved that the number on the scale went up by a pound and a half this morning.  No regrets.  I felt good last night making myself and my boyfriend a good dinner.  Our plan is to let go of our plan a bit on the weekends, though not to go buck wild, so the moment of truth will be Monday when I weigh in.  I'm guessing that overall, I'll have lost 3 lbs and an inch or two.

Did some bench lifting in the morning, and attended another Zumba class though I gave it less effort than last time because HOLY GOD I CAN NOT BOUNCE ON MY TIPPY TOES FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT.  I still think it's a fun way to get all of my steps in, though, which I was successful in doing for the fourth day in a row.

I also attended my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting because what makes this time different than the hundreds of other times I tried to get my eating under control only to fail less than a month later?  I think the secret is support, be it twelve-step, friends, or fellow life-changers.  I cried.  I'm a cryer.  But I cried because I finally put the pieces together: the reason that I'm terrified of dying because of my disordered eating is because it's what killed my ahjashi.  It's a Korean term -- basically, this man was like a father to me.  His disordered eating led to heart problems, then multiple surgeries, and then he never woke up from a surgery.  It didn't have to happen that way.  He could have still had more time with his grand kids.  It doesn't have to be that way for me.  I could watch my theoretical grandkids grow up.

Food log!:

Breakfast - Three eggs with a half a tablespoon of butter and a cup of skim milk = 374 Cal

Lunch - Wendy's Ultimate Chicken Grill = Yum! = 390 Cal

Dinner - Spicy chicken pasta leftovers = 611 Cal

Snacks - A banana and an apple = 160 Cal

Total: 1,535 Cal 180 Carbs 44 Fat 94 Protein 1,595 Salt 51 Sugar

And not over on a single stat!  WOO!