Most of you know I'm a therapist. Some of you know it's been recently brought to my attention that my co-workers are not my biggest fans. This has probably affected my mood and patience more than I'd like to admit. This is what I'm going through this week.
I'm kicking ass and taking names, of course. Sometimes stuff like this really motivates me to perform better than ever, but I find myself losing patience with some of my clients but especially some people in my personal life and my attitude boils down to this: "Get your fucking shit together! You're a goddamn adult! I know it's fucking hard! You think it's not hard for me too? I do battle with my own motherfucking brain every second of every motherfucking day and I am getting shit done and I am getting my shit together and I'm not perfect but at least I'm fucking trying. You have a problem? Fucking do something about it! FUCK!"
Now, I realize that's not very compassionate or loving or holding and I really don't care right now. I'm a damn good therapist and a great friend. I am supportive and patient and holding, but right now I'm just tapped. Plenty of friends in the field have warned me about compassion fatigue.
Maybe it's because I put myself in a position to try to help some of my friends and I've watched multiple friends more or less spit in my face and turn their nose up at my help - all behind my back. They say they'll do the thing to my face, and then come up with a million excuses or ignore me or pretend we never had a discussion about what they were going to do to get the help they need.
I guess it's the behind my back thing that really irks me. I understand not wanting to do the thing. I really do. But like, have some fucking courage. Say it to my fucking face, "Hey Amanda, I hear you but I don't want to", "Hey Amanda, I don't like the way you say things and think you're better than me", "Hey Amanda, fuck you." Whatever. Whatever it is just say it to my motherfucking face. FUCK!
I talked to my mom about this last night and her answer was more or less, "No one confronts anyone. That's just the way it is." Alright. Fine. Whatever. I guess. I just expect better from people. I want to see people do better. I certainly want my co-workers to be fucking professional about their conduct with me when they should know better than to go behind my back and cry foul instead of maybe checking in with me about whether I meant to come off the way I did. Cowards.
Sorry. I know this isn't nice. I know I'm probably wrong. This just needed to leave my body. I'm glad my friends convinced me to take a day off for my mental health. I need it. I'm just... tapped. Seeing my therapist next Wednesday. Maybe he'll have some helpful insight.
No comments:
Post a Comment