It's been over a year since my suicidal thoughts came barreling back into my head after over a decade of relief from them. How am I doing now? Well, that's probably pretty obvious. I'm doing really well compared to where I was a year ago. Leaving my job at the time was the best thing I could have done, even though to this day I pine for my old agency. I really loved it there, but I needed to scale back and I needed time to heal. Nowadays I'm going harder than ever and rockin' the hell out of it.
That's not to say I don't have my bad days, obviously, but being suicidal - at least, the way I've been suicidal - isn't necessarily a constant thing. It just pops up, mostly in response to a stressor. I think it's been a month or two since the last time I can remember having a clear thought about it, but it's never been quite as strong as it was a year ago when the sudden, strong impulse overcame me as I was sitting in traffic and vividly imagining how I'd use my car to do it. It would have been so easy. Just one small gesture, and it could be over. I'm so glad I had the wherewithal to stop myself and get help.
Part of what drives suicidal thoughts are the automatic negative thoughts - I sometimes call them tapes - that play in the mind over and over again, on loop, all day, every day, sometimes at a low volume, sometimes on full blast. This is part of why I constantly stream entertainment - to drown out those thoughts. This is a sample of some of those thoughts:
"You're an evil person and you deserve to die."
"People hate you and just don't have the courage to say it."
"Everyone will leave you and that's what you deserve."
"Nothing you do is ever good enough."
"Your loved ones are annoyed by you and wish you'd change."
"No one would miss you if you were gone."
They've been basically the same since I was a teenager. Now, along comes this new trend, the Sarahah app. I saw some of my younger friends doing this and thought, "Oh, hell no. I don't need it anonymously confirmed that all of my worst thoughts about myself are exactly what people have thought about me and have been too afraid to say to my face." But then I started seeing the most lovely messages people were leaving for my friends and I thought... maybe it was worth a shot.
Well, I've been floored. I can't believe it. There hasn't been a single even remotely negative message - some weird and random ones, but none negative. Here's what I got so far (excluding randoms, all spelling and grammatical errors included):
"I think u r very gr8 and am sometimes intimidated by how awesome u r but u r a very good fren"
"You're an amazing and wonderful person, and I don't know what I would do with my life if you weren't apart of it"
"The first impression I thought you were mean (I'm sorry) but after that, I've found you to be a very nice and hardworking lady. I admire your strength and endurance in all those really hard hitting LARPs. I don't know how you keep fighting through injuries but it's inspiring."
"You're gorgeous and brave and I admire you so much. You work so hard and a lot of people notice."
"The amount of love I have for you is dangerous."
"I looked up to you before I really knew you, and after becoming real friends I just look up to you even more. You're tackling your mental health issues and kicking ass at work, and I love it."
"I like how fiercely you stick up for those you love"
"You're the one person in my life that has given me the strength to talk openly about my anxiety."
"I wish I knew how to gain your favor. You are such a rare beauty."
"AND THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS. <3 br="">
"You helped during a very dark time and have made me confident enough to not put up with the ex (abuser) crap anymore. I'm still gaining my footing, but you seriously are a godsend in human form. Thank you for being amazing"
"You are unpredictable. It's super entertaining. Keep doing you!"
"Your a beautiful person, both inside and out"
"Keep being a badass"
"You are one of the strongest and most beautiful people I know. I'm so glad to count you as a friend."
"You're pretty rad, and I am happy that you are in the legion."
"You are easily one of the most beautiful people in my life"
"I definitely enjoy that the first thing you do when you see me I'd give me a hug."
"I think you are lovely. Your transparency about your struggles has helped me be more honest about my own, both with myself and others. Thank you."
"You are beautiful and fierce. I've never been prouder of a near stranger than watching you endure your trials. Your open struggle with mental "illness" is uplifting and inspiring."
This wouldn't be the first time people have been sincere in telling me how they feel about me, but it can be hard to internalize, and that part of my brain that plays those automatic negative thoughts comes in with, "Yeah, well, anybody who would have anything negative to say about you wouldn't be your Facebook friend in the first place, sooo..." But whatever. I choose to believe. For today.
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