This morning I slept in instead of doing my workout. I'm averaging about one day off per week, which isn't bad. Most workout plans have at least one rest day, just not this plan I'm doing. Anyway, I knew I was going to wake up with little time to get ready. I was late going out the door with my hair barely in a ponytail, my face unwashed (but I brushed my teeth and flossed!), my sandals unzipped, forgetting one important thing and needing to double back, and no breakfast or caffeine except a Red Bull I drank on the way to work (I since scrounged up a banana and an ice cream bar).
I know. I'm not taking care of myself. It's classic me. I have a bit of a commute, so I had time to think about this.
A dear friend of mine is really struggling right now. Despite feeling as though I have run low on give-a-fucks this week, there are some things and some people for whom I will always have an unlimited supply (my husband being one of them, by the way). I jumped right into action, doing what I could to help. It's what I do. I think that some of this has to do with the way I grew up. I know what it's like to go without, to be alone, and to watch my mom suffer in silence to provide for me and my brother.
Side rant, it's not like our own fucking government actually gives a fuck about its citizens. I'm not some magical "good person" or "great friend" as some of my friends might claim, sweet as that is. I'm a human being who believes in helping other human beings because I FUCKING NEED HELP TOO and when the tables turn (god forbid it, of course) I hope - no, I believe - people will step up to help me out too. So if not me, then who?
Anyway, I was thinking about how much this is going to bite me in the ass when I become a mother. I see it all the time - it is nearly impossible for parents to prioritize their own health or happiness above their children's' needs. It's almost hard-wired. Even with the logical understanding that not taking care of themselves could eventually lead to not being able to take care of the people they love, they can't bring themselves to take care of themselves. That could so easily be me. I'm bad at self-care now, and I'm pretty sure I'll be worse at it as a mother.
Then again, maybe I don't need to be better at it. I have the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. My friends all but drag my ass to get help when I can't see that I need it, or I stubbornly put it off. Then there's my husband. That man takes care of me. Sometimes I feel embarrassed by what I perceive as a deficit in reciprocity on my end, but I believe he doesn't see it that way. Alex will always take care of me and our future children because that's the kind of man he is and the kind of marriage we have, but maybe it's not good to rely on that or on my friends. (Also, I don't mean to humblebrag about my relationship - if it comes off that way.)
I don't know. Just thinking. Mental health day in T-minus 7 days!
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