What Saved My Life

I certainly don't speak for all people with mental illness, depression, or suicidal thoughts. I can only share what I've been through. Suicide has been coming up as a topic of discussion ever since Chester Bennington's highly publicized suicide, and while this makes me very sad I am also struck by how lucky I am.

It was just over a year ago I came the closest I'd ever been to taking my own life, but I was fortunate enough to have some protections in place at the time. First of all, I'd been going to a therapist for years and they were easily accessible. Second of all, I knew where the resources were to get me emergency help - and I look like a nice, white, middle-to-upper-class lady next to a husband in a business suit. You bet I got what I needed. I had insurance. These are some obvious things my privilege had afforded me. This was one layer of protection.

My natural supports were and still are phenomenal. Dozens of people came out of the woodwork - some I know very well and some I'm not so familiar with - to express their support, or how they were inspired by my openness in the process. People would check in, or literally sit with me while I watched mindless television or surfed the web, not saying anything. I think this was important because I had professionals to talk to and often the things the layman will say to try to help only exacerbates the problem. What you say is, "Well, have you tried this?" but what I hear is, "You're such a waste of space. You're not even trying. You should feel guilty for putting them through this." It's not logical, but suicidal thoughts are not a logical head space.

Actually, the mindless television helps too. To some degree all mental health problems are a thought processing problem. The brain is always thinking, and not all of it is relevant or helpful, but for people with depression we might struggle specifically with suicidal thoughts - not just content with letting them pass by, we invite them in for tea and cookies and entertain them for a while. My husband has been concerned about my constant need to be streaming entertainment throughout my day, but it's one of the best ways I've found to keep my brain from entertaining the wrong kind of thoughts for very long.

Writing about my experience helped, even making videos about it when I couldn't write (most of which I didn't share). Getting some sun helped. I remember going on a particularly long walk with the pups last year when I took the long weekend from work. The problem is that that takes a lot of energy and I was useless for the rest of the day. I had used up all of my energy capital.

Staying well hydrated, eating comfort foods (I'm talking literally white rice with water - what my mom gave me when I was sick as a child), even bathing were all things that helped.

Cuddling the pets helped.

Don't get me wrong, I've heard nothing but great things about the suicide prevention hotline and I used it once when I was younger (like, 15?) but someone posting up the number did not help. Maybe it helps someone, but it didn't help me.

I'm glad people are willing to start the conversation about suicide at this time, but we need to finish this conversation. We can't just tuck it away after the feelings have faded until the next time someone isn't as lucky as I was. That's all I have to say for now.